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I hate being level-headed. You know how people love to say, "Let cooler heads prevail?" I'm usually that one. Before I blow up and lose my cool, I try to look at a situation from all angles. After all, most people aren't trying to intentionally hurt you, right? So I'm the one who analyzes a situation to death before burying my anger. And every time I do it, a part of me dies. I do it with my mom, my brother, and now that it's time to do it for Mr. Wonderful, I'm tired.

Let me explain...

Mr. Wonderful is going through a lot right now. In addition to be almost out of work, he's lost his dad this month. Now his daughter is getting ready to make him a grandfather. We all know that any one of those situations has the power to make a grown man cry, and all of them together can be devastating. Trust me, I get that.

However, I have needs that must be attended to. While he's going through this stuff, his physical interest in me hasn't been what it used to be. Okay...I don't like it, but I get it. Even though I tend to drown my pain in sex, I get that other people don't.

Now here's where it gets hairy for me. Mr. Wonderful -- like so many men I know -- likes porn. For the most part, I'm not bothered by that. Guys like to look at naked women. But I have a real problem when I'm here, and you'd rather look at Internet chicks.

What am I supposed to do? I can't compete with those girls -- at least not yet. ;) I'm working out, but I'm beginning to think my fat has launched an all-out war against me. In addition, I'm currently weaveless, which means I'm not looking cute 24 hours a day. And I'm still jobless, which means that I can't afford to get my nails, feet, and hair done as often as I'm accustomed to.

It's not easy to admit your shortcomings or even deal with them on a regular basis. The last thing I need is to think that the man I love doesn't want me. And that's what I felt like when I walked in naked and saw him watching a flick on his computer screen.

I looked at him incredulously and said, "Really?" before turning on my heels and walking out. I got in bed, and tried to rationalize the situation. I wanted to be cool about it because I would like to think he was just being stupid. And he was, believe me. But since I'm always thinking and doing things to keep him happy, I just wish he would do the same for me.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

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