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Am I too sheltered? Have I protected myself too much?

I find myself wondering about these things lately. Especially when I see my Facebook friends happily hooking up with one person, then another. Each time their faces reflect the joy that can only come from love, both giving and receiving. In my quest to protect my heart, have I missed out on that?

Although I've had my fair share of lovers, I haven't really dated much. And the guys that I've chosen to spend my vertical time with haven't always been sweet to me. Most times, they start off wonderful. I start seeing forever in their eyes. And then the sex comes. That's usually about the same time the clouds hit their countenance. Suddenly the funny jokes start to have an edge to them. Then, "Call me when you get home so I know you've made it," turns into "See ya."

I let a few of them hang on after then, but not many. And now I it necessary to hold on a little longer to get the love you actually want? And if that's the case, why didn't I ever do that? In most cases, I tried. But when it was all said and done, it seemed like I held on too long anyway.

But what I'm really wondering is why I've never really let anyone into my heart with the same ease that I let them into my bed. I wonder if I'd really allowed them to love me, would they have stayed? Would I have taken that march down the aisle into the the arms of a man who wanted to change my name? I don't know.

As I face the prospect of turning 42 with absolutely no love interests in sight, I find myself reflecting on all the loves and lovers I've had. I wish I could figure out why not a one of them cared enough to spend their lives with me. I kinda get it about the lovers. But the loves? The ones who really made me want to share my heart. The ones who knew about the craziness that goes on in my head...where are they? If they said they loved me, why wasn't it enough?

Okay...this is an exercise in futility. Back to your regularly scheduled programming...


GypsyCircus said…
Let me first start off by saying, you have much more experience on me, as I am only 19, and have not had a single date in my life... But let me also say this: I know what you mean... I too am overly guarded of my heart and who I let hold on to it. It wasn't until age 19 that I even considered 'dating' someone. I didn't want to be heart-broken, but even more than that, I didn't believe I was capable of 'love'. And I know this sounds totally corny, but I guess love believed in me, because it found me, no matter how hard I tried to push it out of my mind. I just got lucky and met a great guy right off the bat. Now who knows how that will go, maybe things won't work out and I will end up broken hearted and then I'll never let myself close to anyone ever again... But I will say this: You do have to open up a little (I say a little because I know too many people who open up too much and just end up getting hurt over and over again). Just remember that you have to love yourself, have confidence, and let other people love you the right way before you can be loved. This is all coming from the girl who still thinks that love in simply a myth :) So you know I'm being honest!
I don't know that I believe there is a soul mate out there for everyone, but I do believe that you should hold out for the right person. Don't go for some guy just because he tells you you are beautiful every morning, question his intentions, guard your heart but don't lock it up.
I hope someday you find the person who will treat you how you deserve to be treated!
Good luck!
- Gypsy.

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