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Oh, No...Not Again

I crossed a line. After six years of fighting, I crossed a line with a friend. It's not like I didn't know it would happen. It was always a matter of when...and how.

When I first met him, I wasn't overly attracted to him. For one, he's really not my type. And honestly, he reminds me of every chauvinistic guy I've ever met. He insists on being "The Man" in every situation. Which would be fine...except he's too impatient to wait on all the information before he acts.

That particular brand of impatience explains why he had his first baby at 15 with the woman who'd later become his wife. He couldn't wait to grow up and get educated like normal teenagers. Instead, he got married and raised three kids...and became a grandparent at the tender age of 36. Now he's playing catch-up on the life he should've had. He just got his degree last year. And now he wants to date.

Here's what's wrong with that -- besides the obvious. This nearly 40-year-old man never really learned how to deal with women. That's not really a major problem until he steps outside of his marriage. Which he did tonight. With me. And I crossed a line.

Understand, the line I crossed really had nothing to do with him. It was a line I'd drawn around myself. I know who I am. I know what I like and don't like...what I want and don't want. I do not want to knowingly give myself to someone who belongs to someone else. That's not my goal. I want someone to love me for me. And I want to take my clothes off with a man who's worthy of my time and who'll take the time to "get" me.

Did I do that tonight? Did I wait for That Man? Oh no...not I. Instead of acting like a lady, I let a few drinks and a strong spirit of loneliness take me down the primrose path to sin and degradation.

And as if that weren't bad enough, this man didn't even take the time to make me feel special. I won't go into detail, but he had the nerve to ask me to do things to him that he had absolutely no intention of reciprocating. Why? Because he only does those things "at home." Talk about a slap in the face!

Here I am laying down all of my principles to make this night happen for you, and you have no intention of making it happen for me. I'm done. He expects me to stay the night, but I refuse to be disrespected in the dark and face it again in the light of day. The one sensible thing I did tonight was leave.

At the end of the day, I have no one to blame but myself. I let myself cross a line I never should have. And for that, there are no words.


Tam Francis said…
You are human, we all fall short. Take the lesson and stay away from this loser.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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