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Do I Matter?

There are so many times when I question myself. Today is one of those days.

I actually had a great day. I worked overtime to make a great paleo meal -- chicken spaghetti. Even though I have to write tonight, I took time out to make this healthy meal because I'm trying to commit to laying aside this weight. And it came out good -- much better than I thought it would. I was proud of myself.

The plan had been to go to an industry event tomorrow with a couple of friends. While I'm kinda over it, my friends were excited to go. I was excited for them, and I knew I'd have fun.

So why was the party tonight instead of tomorrow?

To be clear, I'm known to be forgetful. I get things wrong all the time. But this time, I made sure I asked. Twice. And I was told that the party was Thursday. So why did I get a periscope notification from the party? When I asked my friend about it, she was sick because she's one of the few people who seem to be on my side. She didn't know I didn't know.

Here's the deal -- I've been in this game for well over 20 years. I'm way over a lot of it and have been for awhile. But when you think about the fact that I haven't earned enough respect to get basic invitations, it's sickening.

And what's worse is that NO ONE understands. I called one of my best friends to talk about it, and I feel worse now that before because -- through no fault of his own -- he basically trivialized the situation.

I realize that this issue is small in the grand scheme of life. And I am trying not to feel some kinda way, but I'm feeling some kinda way. What is the point?

I guess I just want to matter sometimes.

Comments

JB said…
You do matter. The trick is to make sure the people whose opinion you value are the same people who won't trivialize you and your feelings.

When I first found your blog, I read it as if it were a novel. You are a good writer. I don't know anything about your career, but if you're writing, you should have lots of confidence. I know it doesn't always work that way, but I hope you can sit with that for a while and feel the glow.

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