Skip to main content

Do I Matter?

There are so many times when I question myself. Today is one of those days.

I actually had a great day. I worked overtime to make a great paleo meal -- chicken spaghetti. Even though I have to write tonight, I took time out to make this healthy meal because I'm trying to commit to laying aside this weight. And it came out good -- much better than I thought it would. I was proud of myself.

The plan had been to go to an industry event tomorrow with a couple of friends. While I'm kinda over it, my friends were excited to go. I was excited for them, and I knew I'd have fun.

So why was the party tonight instead of tomorrow?

To be clear, I'm known to be forgetful. I get things wrong all the time. But this time, I made sure I asked. Twice. And I was told that the party was Thursday. So why did I get a periscope notification from the party? When I asked my friend about it, she was sick because she's one of the few people who seem to be on my side. She didn't know I didn't know.

Here's the deal -- I've been in this game for well over 20 years. I'm way over a lot of it and have been for awhile. But when you think about the fact that I haven't earned enough respect to get basic invitations, it's sickening.

And what's worse is that NO ONE understands. I called one of my best friends to talk about it, and I feel worse now that before because -- through no fault of his own -- he basically trivialized the situation.

I realize that this issue is small in the grand scheme of life. And I am trying not to feel some kinda way, but I'm feeling some kinda way. What is the point?

I guess I just want to matter sometimes.

Comments

JB said…
You do matter. The trick is to make sure the people whose opinion you value are the same people who won't trivialize you and your feelings.

When I first found your blog, I read it as if it were a novel. You are a good writer. I don't know anything about your career, but if you're writing, you should have lots of confidence. I know it doesn't always work that way, but I hope you can sit with that for a while and feel the glow.

Popular posts from this blog

A Middle Aged Rant

I am single. I’ve never had a husband. I’ve never given birth to a child. I’ve never lived with a man over six months. I am 54. I’m not classically pretty. I’m overweight. I’m not very tall. My brother says I’m a unicorn. My friends are kind enough not to make me feel small. My mother mentions in passing that she wants me to find a husband. I try not to be sad about my state. I’ve lived a life that some would find enviable. I had my dream job, met and interviewed great people, made great friends, and traveled all over the world. I have a new career that I find oddly fulfilling. Men don’t always like that. Some of them are jealous because I’m not easily impressed. Some are jealous because I’ve done things they haven’t. Some are jealous because I’ve lived on both coasts. I don’t know what to do. I can’t change my life – not that I want to. I can’t change my past – not that I want to. I can’t change myself –not that I want to. I just want someone to see me, not the image I present. I want...

The Five Commandments of Houseguests

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone. That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not! My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day. More than that, she came with the very mentality th...

To Cook or Not to Cook

I was having a discussion with a couple of friends about whether or not a woman should be required to cook for a man. My girlfriend and I pretty much agree that we have to be inspired to bust a move with the pots and pans. In this day and age where the men we've encountered feel entitled to certain privileges, we believe that he has to do more than just call us a couple of times and come over to kick it to earn a MackDiva-licious meal. On the flip side, the brother we were talking to said he didn't really want to get serious with a woman whose idea of a culinary feat was tacos. We asked him whether he'd cook for his woman. His response? "Well, if I really wanted to impress her, I'd throw it down with my jerk chicken recipe." Upon further examination, we discovered that his need to impress was in direct correlation to some form of inspiration from the woman. At the end of the day, both men and women want a lot of the same things. However, because we speak diffe...