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What Love Looks Like

Things may be going crazy at my job, but I can honestly say that my love life is better than ever.

My Teddy Bear is making me believe in love again. After New Boo, I wasn't sure that I could actually give my heart away. MTB is changing that slowly but surely. And he's not doing it in a crazy, passionate way. His is more methodical and very different from what I'm used to.

This weekend, we went to a surprise party for his best friend. It was my debut into polite society, or as I like to call it, my time as the speckled pup at the dog & pony show. And when I say he took me around and introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, I only say it because it's true. What I loved is that they were so happy for him. One of his aunts almost cried.

Later that night, we were at karaoke when he told me that I was a big hit with his people. He was so happy, and it showed. And that made me happy, too.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know that he'll do his very best to protect and love me. He's showing me that I truly mean something to him -- and not just for my "skills." He loves the woman behind all that.

I'm truly grateful.

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Out of Time

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I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.