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I'm Learning Today

Learning who and what you are is an interesting endeavor. It would be nice if we could do it alone, but most times, it takes someone else to help you see.

For me, this person is My Teddy Bear.

His patient nature -- much like still waters -- lets me see things I never saw before. We had a discussion about sex, intimacy, and the like and I realized something -- I've been doing this all wrong, and for the wrong reasons.

I haven't been sharing about this, but I'm dealing with some health issues. At this point, surgery is on the table and I'm kinda scared. The doctor says there's nothing to worry about, but if I'm honest, it's more than just the invasion of my body. It's the attack on my womanhood.

MTB has been walking with me during this entire ordeal, and he has been wonderful. No matter how much I miss the delusion of what I had with New Boo, I know he wouldn't have been ready for this. When we talked about my issue with sex, he told me that in some ways, it's what I identify with as a woman.

I hadn't thought about it, but when I did, he was right. Throughout the years, I haven't exactly been the woman I was raised to be. While my mother and grandmother knew how to take care of a house and a family, I didn't. I used to pay someone to clean my house, and I was probably more acquainted with my microwave than any one person should be. When the question of who could be a wife and mother came up, my name was never on the list.

The one thing I could do was have sex. Not to brag, but I'm good at it. I know exactly what it takes to please a man. Now...I couldn't feed him and he'd probably have to move things over to get comfortable, but that was secondary. And since the guys I dealt with weren't about much, they were cool with it.

Enter The Man Formerly Known as The One and New Boo. They both wanted something more from me, and I was determined to give it to them. I learned how to clean and to cook and to be the domestic diva I thought I needed to be. And yet...they STILL didn't give me what I wanted -- the ring and the title. In TMFKATO's defense, he had an addiction that eventually took his life. Maybe if he'd been operating from a place of wholeness, things might have been different. New Boo was about that get-over life, but I didn't know it until it was too late. With him, it was necessary for me to be "dickmatized" for his diabolical plan to work.

So now I'm with MTB, and he's a completely different breed. One I don't understand or identify with. I love him to death, but if I say I get him all the time, I'd be lying. I don't. But I want to because I know he's the best thing to happen to me in forever.

But as I usually do, I over-think. I project my stupidness on him and look at him like he's not right. And he's done nothing wrong. My big thing is that what I'm going through is taking me through things I don't want to deal with. I figure f I don't want to be bothered, why should he? He was like, "Don't make decisions for me." He then proceeded to reiterate to me what he told me on our first date -- that he knew what he wanted. Me. In all my insanity and whatnot. He loves me dearly, he said, and he wants to be with me.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he brought him into my life.

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Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.