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I'm Learning Today

Learning who and what you are is an interesting endeavor. It would be nice if we could do it alone, but most times, it takes someone else to help you see.

For me, this person is My Teddy Bear.

His patient nature -- much like still waters -- lets me see things I never saw before. We had a discussion about sex, intimacy, and the like and I realized something -- I've been doing this all wrong, and for the wrong reasons.

I haven't been sharing about this, but I'm dealing with some health issues. At this point, surgery is on the table and I'm kinda scared. The doctor says there's nothing to worry about, but if I'm honest, it's more than just the invasion of my body. It's the attack on my womanhood.

MTB has been walking with me during this entire ordeal, and he has been wonderful. No matter how much I miss the delusion of what I had with New Boo, I know he wouldn't have been ready for this. When we talked about my issue with sex, he told me that in some ways, it's what I identify with as a woman.

I hadn't thought about it, but when I did, he was right. Throughout the years, I haven't exactly been the woman I was raised to be. While my mother and grandmother knew how to take care of a house and a family, I didn't. I used to pay someone to clean my house, and I was probably more acquainted with my microwave than any one person should be. When the question of who could be a wife and mother came up, my name was never on the list.

The one thing I could do was have sex. Not to brag, but I'm good at it. I know exactly what it takes to please a man. Now...I couldn't feed him and he'd probably have to move things over to get comfortable, but that was secondary. And since the guys I dealt with weren't about much, they were cool with it.

Enter The Man Formerly Known as The One and New Boo. They both wanted something more from me, and I was determined to give it to them. I learned how to clean and to cook and to be the domestic diva I thought I needed to be. And yet...they STILL didn't give me what I wanted -- the ring and the title. In TMFKATO's defense, he had an addiction that eventually took his life. Maybe if he'd been operating from a place of wholeness, things might have been different. New Boo was about that get-over life, but I didn't know it until it was too late. With him, it was necessary for me to be "dickmatized" for his diabolical plan to work.

So now I'm with MTB, and he's a completely different breed. One I don't understand or identify with. I love him to death, but if I say I get him all the time, I'd be lying. I don't. But I want to because I know he's the best thing to happen to me in forever.

But as I usually do, I over-think. I project my stupidness on him and look at him like he's not right. And he's done nothing wrong. My big thing is that what I'm going through is taking me through things I don't want to deal with. I figure f I don't want to be bothered, why should he? He was like, "Don't make decisions for me." He then proceeded to reiterate to me what he told me on our first date -- that he knew what he wanted. Me. In all my insanity and whatnot. He loves me dearly, he said, and he wants to be with me.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he brought him into my life.


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My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Now What?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now.

First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him.

Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we…

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…