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Now What?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now.

First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him.

Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we did. Maybe it's more accurate to say that I was really connected to him. He clearly wasn't connected enough to me to stay.

Either way, every time we slept together, I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. I've never felt that way before. Or since.

Which brings me back to my current situation.

I love MTB. I do. But I don't have the connection with him that I had with NB. I don't know that I ever will. And it makes me sad.

What I'm realizing is that New Boo broke me so completely that I don't know if I'll ever be whole again. He took so much from me -- my heart, my love, my faith. And let me say this -- I gave it to him. I don't know that he even asked for all that I gave.

Now MTB wants things from me. And while I thought I had it to give, I don't know that I do. He told me that I don't have faith. He's probably right. I gave it all to my last situation, and now I don't have anything left. That's not his fault. It's all mine.

I just didn't know. I'd never been broken before.

In this putting-back together process, I'm realizing that I still need things. I need to feel cared for and loved. MTB does those things. No matter what, I know he loves me. But I also need to feel desired. That's where the problem is. He says that there are other ways to be intimate. I know he's right, but I don't want that. I want him to screw my brains out. Literally.

What am I gonna do?

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As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

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