Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

My Teddy Bear came through. Literally. I don't know if he finally got his medical issue together, or if someone told him that I was considering someone else, or what, but he came here like a man with something to prove. He spent the weekend proving it to me. I got it. Now I'm back at square one. Honestly, I forgot how much I enjoy him. There's a reason I date him -- and it's NOT just because I don't have better things to do. I tried to express to him how much I was enjoying him and how we need to keep this up. All he could say was, "You don't have to keep bringing it up." Ugh. Anyway...we had a great time. My heart is still kinda whacked out, though. Now that I remember what the love was actually about, I'm glad. And I know that if I want to, I can and will move past New Boo. Let's see how long MTB can keep up the good work...

When my story is written, no one will look at my love life and say, "That was so inspiring." Not even a little bit. I'm caught in a crazy castle I built, and I'm the only person who can free me from it. I love New Boo. No doubt. He does not love me. Again, no doubt. My Teddy Bear loves me. I care for him, but I don't know that I love him now. So why don't I just walk away? Why not leave him where he stands so he can find someone who'll love him as much as I love New Boo? Because I don't want to hurt him. Because I haven't been able to tell him how I've been feeling and I don't want to leave him with the same abandon that New Boo left me. Because I've been broken, I don't want to break him. Inasmuch as he's made me angry and done things I don't like, he doesn't deserve that kind of pain. No one does. I don't care how angry I've been at his blatant manipulation, I don't want to destroy him the way N...

I finally saw him. New Boo came over. We talked. Then we didn't talk. He spent the night. I am devastated, and I hate myself for it. I really thought I could handle it. I can't. The problem is that I love him. I have no delusion that he loves me. He said that he cares for me. He doesn't want to hurt me. And he didn't. I hurt me by letting him have what he had not earned. I gave him what I wanted him to have and to want. There's a funny sort of politics to relationships and breakups. No matter who does what, it all goes out the window in light of the love between you. Even if it's one-sided, there's love there. And both of you feel it. It never really goes away. You bury it when you're around other people. You negotiate it when you're alone. But when you are with that person...it's so crazy. You want to be strong...say it doesn't matter...but you can't. You give in because there's no other choice for you in that moment. N...

New Boo is my Fitz. It finally makes sense. If you're a Scandal fan, you know that one of the main story lines is the one involving Olivia Pope and President Fitzgerald Grant. He's married, but he loves her beyond reason. And in spite of the fact that she has Jake Ballard firmly in her grasp, she can't shake the love she has for Fitz. That's how I feel about New Boo. I know he's a lowlife and a cad. He's a liar and probably a cheater and my heart won't allow me to let him go. I find myself thinking of him...imagining our life together...and even though I know that our relationship meant way more to me than it ever did to him, I miss it terribly. What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard to let him go? He clearly isn't pining for me. But he indulges me because -- let's face it -- it's good for his ego. I'd probably indulge me, too. I hate the love I have for him. It's like the worst virus I've ever been infected with, and the...