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No Words...

I finally saw him.

New Boo came over. We talked. Then we didn't talk. He spent the night.

I am devastated, and I hate myself for it.

I really thought I could handle it. I can't.

The problem is that I love him. I have no delusion that he loves me. He said that he cares for me. He doesn't want to hurt me.

And he didn't. I hurt me by letting him have what he had not earned. I gave him what I wanted him to have and to want.

There's a funny sort of politics to relationships and breakups. No matter who does what, it all goes out the window in light of the love between you. Even if it's one-sided, there's love there. And both of you feel it. It never really goes away. You bury it when you're around other people. You negotiate it when you're alone. But when you are with that person...it's so crazy. You want to be strong...say it doesn't matter...but you can't. You give in because there's no other choice for you in that moment.

Now, I'm not stupid enough to believe that MY reasoning applies to him. I know who he is.

That's the real problem. I know who he is and I love him anyway.

Again I say, what the hell is wrong with me?

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The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…