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No Words...

I finally saw him.

New Boo came over. We talked. Then we didn't talk. He spent the night.

I am devastated, and I hate myself for it.

I really thought I could handle it. I can't.

The problem is that I love him. I have no delusion that he loves me. He said that he cares for me. He doesn't want to hurt me.

And he didn't. I hurt me by letting him have what he had not earned. I gave him what I wanted him to have and to want.

There's a funny sort of politics to relationships and breakups. No matter who does what, it all goes out the window in light of the love between you. Even if it's one-sided, there's love there. And both of you feel it. It never really goes away. You bury it when you're around other people. You negotiate it when you're alone. But when you are with that person...it's so crazy. You want to be strong...say it doesn't matter...but you can't. You give in because there's no other choice for you in that moment.

Now, I'm not stupid enough to believe that MY reasoning applies to him. I know who he is.

That's the real problem. I know who he is and I love him anyway.

Again I say, what the hell is wrong with me?

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Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.