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My Fitz

New Boo is my Fitz.

It finally makes sense.

If you're a Scandal fan, you know that one of the main story lines is the one involving Olivia Pope and President Fitzgerald Grant. He's married, but he loves her beyond reason. And in spite of the fact that she has Jake Ballard firmly in her grasp, she can't shake the love she has for Fitz.

That's how I feel about New Boo. I know he's a lowlife and a cad. He's a liar and probably a cheater and my heart won't allow me to let him go. I find myself thinking of him...imagining our life together...and even though I know that our relationship meant way more to me than it ever did to him, I miss it terribly.

What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard to let him go? He clearly isn't pining for me. But he indulges me because -- let's face it -- it's good for his ego. I'd probably indulge me, too.

I hate the love I have for him. It's like the worst virus I've ever been infected with, and there's no cure for it.

My Teddy Bear is my Jake Ballard. He loves me, but it's not enough. He's enough, but when you love another man, no one can take his place.

And as much as I want to deny it...as much as I want it not to be true...as much as I wish I could make it vanish...I love New Boo. I really do.

To be clear...I know he doesn't love me. I know that. I know that he wants to see me so he can lie to me again...try to get me under his spell again...but I finally know the truth.

So why can't I walk away from my Fitz?

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I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.