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No Inspiration Here

When my story is written, no one will look at my love life and say, "That was so inspiring."

Not even a little bit.

I'm caught in a crazy castle I built, and I'm the only person who can free me from it.

I love New Boo. No doubt. He does not love me. Again, no doubt. My Teddy Bear loves me. I care for him, but I don't know that I love him now.

So why don't I just walk away? Why not leave him where he stands so he can find someone who'll love him as much as I love New Boo?

Because I don't want to hurt him. Because I haven't been able to tell him how I've been feeling and I don't want to leave him with the same abandon that New Boo left me.

Because I've been broken, I don't want to break him. Inasmuch as he's made me angry and done things I don't like, he doesn't deserve that kind of pain. No one does. I don't care how angry I've been at his blatant manipulation, I don't want to destroy him the way New Boo destroyed me.

Mainly I wonder if these are just first year hiccups. Could I learn to love him if I just stuck it out. Or are we doomed from the start.

I'm sure I'm making it harder than it has to be. I could just dump him and be done. Go pursue the next someone. Make myself available for everything I want. I could do that.

But I don't want to. I just want to settle down and get about the business of living. That's what I want.

So, nope...there's no inspiration over here. Not a bit.

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.