Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

My Teddy Bear doesn't realize it, but his days are numbered. I care for him too much to keep him in my sick and twisted fantasy. He doesn't deserve what I'm putting him through -- even if he doesn't know what's going on. And what is going on, you ask? I'm not in love with him. He's a great guy -- no doubt. But the love I had for him died a slow, painful death in the midst of lies, manipulations, and no sex. If that makes me sound superficial, I'm sorry. Trust me when I tell you that I tried. Lord knows I did. I did everything I possibly could to make things good. I tried to understand when he told me that sex wasn't the only way to be intimate. I checked my emotions when he told me that the way I relayed information was too roundabout to be good for him. I shut up when he shut down my ideas, thoughts, feelings. I really did. Now there's nothing left. But I care for him too much to hurt him right now. Of course, one could argue that ev...

I am remembering love. I realize I don't have it now. Two years ago, I was in love. Truly, madly, deeply. There was no question about my feelings or my allegiances. I was all in -- heart, mind, and soul. The connection New Boo and I had at this time two years ago was so deep, so strong, so everything it needed to be that I thought it would never be broken. Five months later, it was. Now, we're not friends and barely lovers. I realize he's trying to purge me from his system. He never trusted me and my love for him, and now he's trying to get rid of me. He's trying to make me the slut he needs me to be so he can walk away from me and say, "She was no good anyway. She didn't deserve me." And I've been letting him. I'm proving to him that I'm not worth it. I'm whoring around with him the way he always thought I was when we were together. What the hell is wrong with me?

Just when I think I can't punish myself anymore, I do. New Boo hadn't reached out. I wasn't supposed to reach out, either. But I forgot. I forgot that I don't need to talk to him. I don't need to hear his voice. I don't need him weighing in on my life. I don't need him at all. But I do need him. Maybe I always will. And is it that I need him, or I just want him more than I need to? I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel so much better when I know he's okay or I know I can talk to him. Until I don't. Until I realize that there's no point to us talking. All that happens is that I get upset and I cry because he's the one I gave my heart to, only to have him shatter it in 15 million pieces. The killer is that I keep doing it. How insane is that? None of this would be happening if My Teddy Bear hadn't left me emotionally adrift. Oh, I finally figured out what's wrong with us. He doesn't like me. He likes -- even lo...