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Glutton For Punishment

Just when I think I can't punish myself anymore, I do.

New Boo hadn't reached out. I wasn't supposed to reach out, either. But I forgot.

I forgot that I don't need to talk to him. I don't need to hear his voice. I don't need him weighing in on my life. I don't need him at all.

But I do need him. Maybe I always will.

And is it that I need him, or I just want him more than I need to? I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel so much better when I know he's okay or I know I can talk to him.

Until I don't. Until I realize that there's no point to us talking. All that happens is that I get upset and I cry because he's the one I gave my heart to, only to have him shatter it in 15 million pieces.

The killer is that I keep doing it. How insane is that?

None of this would be happening if My Teddy Bear hadn't left me emotionally adrift.

Oh, I finally figured out what's wrong with us. He doesn't like me. He likes -- even loves -- the idea of me. But the actuality of who I am? Not so much.

At the end of any given day, we all wonder if we're enough. If someone can see past all of the drama of us and love us anyway.

I thought New Boo did, but I was wrong. Now I know that My Teddy Bear doesn't, and it makes me sad.

I just don't want to end up alone, or worse, in a situation with someone I don't want as I pine for someone that I do want.

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So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

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