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Glutton For Punishment

Just when I think I can't punish myself anymore, I do.

New Boo hadn't reached out. I wasn't supposed to reach out, either. But I forgot.

I forgot that I don't need to talk to him. I don't need to hear his voice. I don't need him weighing in on my life. I don't need him at all.

But I do need him. Maybe I always will.

And is it that I need him, or I just want him more than I need to? I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel so much better when I know he's okay or I know I can talk to him.

Until I don't. Until I realize that there's no point to us talking. All that happens is that I get upset and I cry because he's the one I gave my heart to, only to have him shatter it in 15 million pieces.

The killer is that I keep doing it. How insane is that?

None of this would be happening if My Teddy Bear hadn't left me emotionally adrift.

Oh, I finally figured out what's wrong with us. He doesn't like me. He likes -- even loves -- the idea of me. But the actuality of who I am? Not so much.

At the end of any given day, we all wonder if we're enough. If someone can see past all of the drama of us and love us anyway.

I thought New Boo did, but I was wrong. Now I know that My Teddy Bear doesn't, and it makes me sad.

I just don't want to end up alone, or worse, in a situation with someone I don't want as I pine for someone that I do want.

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The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…