Skip to main content

Ah Ha!

I didn't do it. It wasn't entirely my fault. New Boo got a whiff of my new thought process and decided I wasn't worth the trouble. And what was it that rubbed him the wrong way?

I told him that I finally saw Jay-Z in a different light because I could see his grown man thought process. That made him mad because he thought I was "starstruck." Considering what I do for a living, that's the LAST thing on my mind. I told him that I liked the way he made up his mind to move away from the mistakes of his youth. His thought was that he could only do that because he had money.

On the contrary. If Jay still had the same mentality he had as a younger man, he might be rich, but he wouldn't have his family. New Boo wants to use anything as an excuse to be a bum. Not my problem, right?

So the foolishness that almost happened didn't. I'm thankful.

Now I'm recovering from fibroid surgery. This time, it was done right. My doctor said she got every one she saw, and the doctor assisting her said they pulled out tumors that were in clusters like grapes. All I know is that they cut me. I hadn't been cut before, but if it makes my life easier, I'm all for it.

I can't lie, though -- it was a trip for me. I won't bore you with the prelims that had me bugging out before the procedure, but I'll tell you that my recovery won't just be physical. A lot goes through your mind when your reproductive system is off. It makes you question a lot of what it means to be a woman.

To be clear, I have never had questions about my womanhood. My uterus is unused, but I'm still a woman. My ring finger is yet empty, but I'm a woman. If no other man thinks I'm worthy of his time, I'm still a woman. And I have to tell myself that I'm okay.

I dont' know if I really am, but I'm going to fake it until I make it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

He's Gone...For Real

My uncle died. He actually ceased to live. I don't know how to handle this. Even though he was my mother's brother, he was so much more than that to me. He was the coolest cat on the block, He set the standard that every man had to meet. He was the one I compared every man in my life to. For all intents and purposes, he was my de facto dad. I am stunned. I feel like someone knocked the wind out of my body. I grew up watching him. If he sat up straight, I wanted to sit up straight. I once caught him standing up to pee. I thought I'd do that when I grew up, too. (You can just imagine that conversation). That's the thing...he never shied away from my craziness. When I discovered what a father was -- at the tender age of five -- I purposed in my heart to find one for myself. I asked every man I knew, including him, if they'd be my daddy. He said, "I can't be your dad. I'm your uncle." When I pressed, he gently explained that he already had a significan...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Middle Aged Rant

I am single. I’ve never had a husband. I’ve never given birth to a child. I’ve never lived with a man over six months. I am 54. I’m not classically pretty. I’m overweight. I’m not very tall. My brother says I’m a unicorn. My friends are kind enough not to make me feel small. My mother mentions in passing that she wants me to find a husband. I try not to be sad about my state. I’ve lived a life that some would find enviable. I had my dream job, met and interviewed great people, made great friends, and traveled all over the world. I have a new career that I find oddly fulfilling. Men don’t always like that. Some of them are jealous because I’m not easily impressed. Some are jealous because I’ve done things they haven’t. Some are jealous because I’ve lived on both coasts. I don’t know what to do. I can’t change my life – not that I want to. I can’t change my past – not that I want to. I can’t change myself –not that I want to. I just want someone to see me, not the image I present. I want...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Own My Tears

I own my tears. I used this as a hashtag on a Facebook post. I was talking about the movie, "The Fault in Our Stars." If you've seen it, you know what I mean, and I won't spoil it for you. Of course, you know me -- it's deeper than that. I need to say it out loud... I own my tears. New Boo meant the world to me. He really did. Our relationship meant the world to me. It really, really did. And now it's over and he's gone -- seemingly for good. That makes me cry more than I want to, and more than I have ever imagined I would. And while I hate it, I need to do this. I need to mourn this thing in its entirety because it has truly changed my life. I own my tears. I own the fact that I am hurt. I own the fact that I'm mourning a relationship that I wanted to work more than life itself. I wanted to be a part of a couple, and eventually a family. That may well happen for me one day. Today, though, it doesn't look likely. So yes, I cry. And you ...
1 comment
Read more