Skip to main content

Another Middle Aged Rant...

I don't know if I'm depressed, but I'm not feeling like myself today. I'm realizing that these feelings of malaise always come after I witness love -- and realize how much I stand in the way of my own.

I went to a wedding yesterday. One of my coworkers said, "I do," to her longtime boyfriend. She's one of the cutest, most petite women I've ever known. I'd seen photos of him, but had never met him. He's definitely a cutie, but when I say he was larger than life, I mean that in every sense of the word.

I was so shocked. I never would've put those two together, but they both looked super happy. Their joy was palatable. I was glad I got to witness it.

There were several couples in attendance. Some looked evenly matched, some not. All seemed happy.

Then there's me. My birthday is approaching next month and I'll celebrate 55 years around the sun. Glad to be alive, certainly, but can't for the life of me figure out how I became so unloveable. 

Maybe I'm too superficial.

Maybe I'm too picky.

Maybe I want too much.

Maybe love and companionship just aren't in the cards for me.

Maybe I should just give up and resign myself to catladydom.

I don't know. 

What I do know is that I want to be with someone who sees me for more than I see myself. 

I also hope that one day I won't end up alone with only my memories from a life well-lived to keep me warm.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

He's Gone...For Real

My uncle died. He actually ceased to live. I don't know how to handle this. Even though he was my mother's brother, he was so much more than that to me. He was the coolest cat on the block, He set the standard that every man had to meet. He was the one I compared every man in my life to. For all intents and purposes, he was my de facto dad. I am stunned. I feel like someone knocked the wind out of my body. I grew up watching him. If he sat up straight, I wanted to sit up straight. I once caught him standing up to pee. I thought I'd do that when I grew up, too. (You can just imagine that conversation). That's the thing...he never shied away from my craziness. When I discovered what a father was -- at the tender age of five -- I purposed in my heart to find one for myself. I asked every man I knew, including him, if they'd be my daddy. He said, "I can't be your dad. I'm your uncle." When I pressed, he gently explained that he already had a significan...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Middle Aged Rant

I am single. I’ve never had a husband. I’ve never given birth to a child. I’ve never lived with a man over six months. I am 54. I’m not classically pretty. I’m overweight. I’m not very tall. My brother says I’m a unicorn. My friends are kind enough not to make me feel small. My mother mentions in passing that she wants me to find a husband. I try not to be sad about my state. I’ve lived a life that some would find enviable. I had my dream job, met and interviewed great people, made great friends, and traveled all over the world. I have a new career that I find oddly fulfilling. Men don’t always like that. Some of them are jealous because I’m not easily impressed. Some are jealous because I’ve done things they haven’t. Some are jealous because I’ve lived on both coasts. I don’t know what to do. I can’t change my life – not that I want to. I can’t change my past – not that I want to. I can’t change myself –not that I want to. I just want someone to see me, not the image I present. I want...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Own My Tears

I own my tears. I used this as a hashtag on a Facebook post. I was talking about the movie, "The Fault in Our Stars." If you've seen it, you know what I mean, and I won't spoil it for you. Of course, you know me -- it's deeper than that. I need to say it out loud... I own my tears. New Boo meant the world to me. He really did. Our relationship meant the world to me. It really, really did. And now it's over and he's gone -- seemingly for good. That makes me cry more than I want to, and more than I have ever imagined I would. And while I hate it, I need to do this. I need to mourn this thing in its entirety because it has truly changed my life. I own my tears. I own the fact that I am hurt. I own the fact that I'm mourning a relationship that I wanted to work more than life itself. I wanted to be a part of a couple, and eventually a family. That may well happen for me one day. Today, though, it doesn't look likely. So yes, I cry. And you ...
1 comment
Read more