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I had to laugh when I read Janelle's post because it was almost like she got inside my head and wrote my words. I, too, have been writing but not publishing. My reasons were much like hers in that I wasn't ready to reveal certain things. However, I'm at a place now where I'm going to have to share.

In order to tell this current story, I'm going to have to go back to another time and place in my life...

The year was 2000, and I was living in the Bronx. My hairdresser, my only friend at the time, had invited me out to kick it after my appointment. The plan was to have drinks and hit a club. So there we were, two beautiful women taking in the nightlife in New York City. We hit the bar, stayed for a while, and headed to the club. Even though my friend is tall and gorgeous, she wasn't giving the men any play because she's happily married.

I, on the other hand, was just trying not to look like wallpaper in her presence. At some point, we got separated as she fended off the testosterone-fueled attention she was getting. I was kind of standing around enjoying the view when this little guy asked me to dance. After surmising that he wasn't a complete troll, we hit the floor. While I'll never be accused of being Denny Terrio -- and if you're too young to recognize the name, you probably shouldn't be reading this -- the liquor in my system allowed me to hold my own with this dancing machine.

We must've put in about an hour before we decided to take a break. By this time, we were both sweaty, and the libations in my system were starting to wear off. When he offered to buy me a drink, I requested water. He brought it back, and we were able to start the standard introductory line of questioning that usually starts with, "Are you married, do you have kids, etc." When he asked me why I was single with no children, I told him that I hadn't found my "Mr. Right." That's when he gave me his business card. Guess what his name was? Mr. Wright! We had a big laugh about it, and since he was into computers, I promised to call him with my fix-it needs.

Well, sure enough, my machine was having issues about three days later. I called Mr. Wright, and he promised to come by and look at it. When he got there, he looked it over as I looked him over. He was short, but he was still taller than me. Also, he was actually attractive. After he'd done all he could do for my computer, he turned his attention to me. Our conversation soon turned to kissing. As I was trying to find a good reason not to take him down the primrose path to sin and degradation, he said to me, "Make me earn it."

To say I was completely blown away would be an understatement. Here was a man actually turning down a chance to get busy. I didn't quite know how to take it, but I let him go home. He called later, but we eventually lost touch.

Fast forward a few months later. We ran into each other somewhere downtown, and we started hanging out. By this time, I guess he felt like he'd earned the right to take me down, and that's exactly what he did. I found out that he was multi-orgasmic. (Sidebar: Ladies, if and when you ever find a multi-orgasmic man, keep him close at hand because it's one of the most wonderful problems a man can have.) It was so intense that I had to ask him to back up off of me after about three solid hours. Needless to say, I was completely strung out. He became my drug of choice, and I was hitting it -- pun intended -- every chance I got. It got so bad that I felt like I was looking for him in the daytime with a flashlight.

Mr. Wright, on the other hand, wasn't as sprung as I was. Yes, he enjoyed himself, and he liked me, but he thought I was getting too serious too fast. In my mind, I couldn't EVER see myself sleeping with anyone else, while he didn't know if monogamy was something he wanted to pursue. His idea was to take things slow and decide along the way if I was the person with whom he could be monogamous. I told him straight up that if he ever slept with someone else, he wouldn't be able to get my goods.

Being the typical man that he was, he decided to test me. Since I was working nights, he would IM me when I woke up. This particular morning, he said that he'd slept with someone. I was hurt, but I pulled myself together enough to ask him if it was good. He said that it wasn't because he didn't feel anything. I said, "Well, that's too bad. I don't know what to tell you." That's when he asked me if I was serious about cutting him off. I said that if he'd thought I was serious, why did you jeopardize it. Even though he later begged and pleaded, I was firm in my conviction, and he eventually left me alone. Although we've had contact over the years -- mostly through IMs and the occasional phone conversation -- I've kept my word.

Fast forward to 2008. I'm living in Los Angeles. Now he's decided that he can't possibly live without me for another moment, and he's bringing his A-game. He saying that he finally sees the error of his ways, and that he needs someone he can love and trust to build a life with, and that person is me. And why, you ask? Because I'm the only woman he's ever met who can hang with him intellectually, make him laugh, and be a great lover all in one. He knows that half-stepping with me isn't an option, and he's determined to do all he can to get me back. He's even trying to help me find a way back to New York.

While I love hearing things like this, I don't know how to take it. Our relationship was intense, to say the least. He broke my heart in so many ways, and it took some time to get past it. I don't know if some areas will ever heal, and the thought of revisiting his brand of pain isn't exactly on my top ten list of things to do.

However...

I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasn't curious. While some people believe in the adage, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," I don't. I actually think people can change. However, I'm not in the mood to be played. That's why I'm listening to what he's saying and watching what he's doing, and not allowing myself to get caught up in the hype.

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I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
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I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
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