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For my friend...

I am sad. I don't want to be, but this is how it is when people die.

I knew you were sick, but who expects a man under 50 to just die -- even if you're battling cancer? And I just found out a couple of months ago. I didn't even have time to live with the idea...much less get to a place where I could accept you dying. I'm still not there.

Yet, as I open my eyes to a world you're no longer in, I don't have a choice in the matter. You're gone, and there's nothing I can do about it.

So many memories flood my mind...

The interview, when you asked me if I could work full-time in the summer and switch to part-time in the fall. I told you, "Sure, if I could move in with you. You seem nice, but I really don't know if we need to live together so soon." We both cracked up, and I knew we'd be friends.

After I got the job, I was scared to death at the thought of teaching kids about my passion. But you were confident I could do it...and you did your best to help me. I'm sure you went home many days questioning your decision to hire me -- heck, I know I did -- but you always put on a brave front with me.

When Granny died, you were so sweet to me. Since you'd lost your father, you knew what I was going through, and you handled me gently. In retrospect, I'm so glad I was working with you when it happened because I don't know if I could've made it anywhere else.

More than anything, our conversations are running through my mind. So many laughs we shared...and secrets. Both mine and yours. Because we liked the same type of things, I'd run into you all over the place. I had hoped to run into you again.

But that won't happen now because you've taken your leave of us. And it hurts me more than I want it to.

Rest in peace, dear friend.

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I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
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