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This is still hard. Even though I'm doing my best to move on, I see that my situation is fragile.

I don't know why I thought losing you would be easy. I guess in my mind, I didn't realize how much I missed seeing your face. And I didn't realize how much you meant to me. Now that I won't be able to giggle with you again, your true significance is settling in.

When I started working for you, I was still trying to navigate a new normal in a new city. You were a friend to me when I didn't have any...and you were sweet to me. Not in the romantic sense, though. Even though I had a massive crush on you, I knew we'd never be like that. Instead, you helped me navigate that first year.

I'll never forget how you made the kids say wish me a happy birthday in rap session. You knew I was having a hard time being away from my family, and you did your part to make my day special. And I guess that's what it is...the small ways you made a difference.

Did we always agree? Absolutely not. The one thing I regret: I never got to make it right with you after The Incident. Yes, I apologized for my part in it. But I never got to look into your eyes to see if you still loved me. Even though it hurt me, I just thought I'd have forever to make amends.

So yes, this won't be easy...


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Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…


So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.