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Could It Really Be...

Today is another crappy day. If it's darkest before the dawn, then I'm due for a bright tomorrow.

Anyway, I was really bugging out, and I reached out to New Boo. He could tell that all was not well in my world, and he asked me about it. When I told him that I was on the verge of screaming, he immediately went into Cheer Me Up mode. He said he wanted to see me later, and while I agreed, I told him straight out that I probably wouldn't be good company. You know what he said? "Good or bad company -- it doesn't matter. I just want you by my side."

I honestly almost broke down right there. For one, no one's ever said that to me. Ever. And for him to say it almost makes this thing bearable.

And here's where the comparison comes in. That Other Guy (can't really call him The One anymore) was always in such dire straits that there wasn't room for me to be anything other than his cheerleader. Also, he didn't know how to encourage me on any level, and he wasn't interested in trying to find out.

With TOG, I existed to make his world right. If anything was off-kilter with me, I was just supposed to figure it out. As usual, I was in a selfish, one-sided relationship where I was always giving and never getting anything out of it.

Meanwhile, New Boo (who'll soon have to get another name because he's so much more than that) is extending himself to me. It's like he sees me, and that's so new for me. I usually see people, but no one sees me. Ever. And this is a good feeling. I think what really gets me is that he sees me and STILL wants to be with me.

And you know what? Maybe he'll see me and not want to be with me. But it's nice to believe for a minute that it could be possible, right?

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Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.