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Could It Really Be...

Today is another crappy day. If it's darkest before the dawn, then I'm due for a bright tomorrow.

Anyway, I was really bugging out, and I reached out to New Boo. He could tell that all was not well in my world, and he asked me about it. When I told him that I was on the verge of screaming, he immediately went into Cheer Me Up mode. He said he wanted to see me later, and while I agreed, I told him straight out that I probably wouldn't be good company. You know what he said? "Good or bad company -- it doesn't matter. I just want you by my side."

I honestly almost broke down right there. For one, no one's ever said that to me. Ever. And for him to say it almost makes this thing bearable.

And here's where the comparison comes in. That Other Guy (can't really call him The One anymore) was always in such dire straits that there wasn't room for me to be anything other than his cheerleader. Also, he didn't know how to encourage me on any level, and he wasn't interested in trying to find out.

With TOG, I existed to make his world right. If anything was off-kilter with me, I was just supposed to figure it out. As usual, I was in a selfish, one-sided relationship where I was always giving and never getting anything out of it.

Meanwhile, New Boo (who'll soon have to get another name because he's so much more than that) is extending himself to me. It's like he sees me, and that's so new for me. I usually see people, but no one sees me. Ever. And this is a good feeling. I think what really gets me is that he sees me and STILL wants to be with me.

And you know what? Maybe he'll see me and not want to be with me. But it's nice to believe for a minute that it could be possible, right?

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…