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Love Is and Other Thoughts of Mine...

The bible says that love is patient and kind. I completely believe that. But it's also messy and ugly and painful -- especially when it comes to families.

This evening, I got a chance to witness my brother completely taking our mom to task for her shortcomings. I won't go into the details -- they're not important unless you were there -- but basically he told her that he's tired of her not stepping up to the plate and being the mother and grandmother we all deserve.

I wish I could say that he lied, but he didn't. My mother is one of the most immature adults I know. In addition, she has NEVER fought for us. She left that to our grandmothers. Granny always fought for me, and Nanny (my brother's father's mother) fought for him. Now both of those wonderful ladies are gone, and we are left alone. I was 37 when Granny died, so I was pretty well established. But my brother is 10 years younger than me, so he needed more. In normal families, our mother would've been able to be there for us. But that's not the case, and my brother is fed up.

I completely agree with my brother -- our mother needs to get it together. Some of the things he told her are things I warned her about years ago. But she didn't listen, and now the chickens have come home to roost.

This situation hurts me. Not because it involves me. And that hurts me more. My role in this family has always been as distant peacemaker. I'm not an active participant in anything. As I write this, I realize that I've checked out over the years. Whether it was going to school, going to work, or moving away, I've been able to keep myself above the fray by leaving. That's not good, either. And both of them have dumped their madness on me, and I've taken it upon myself to try to keep the peace.


New Boo got to witness all this. Since my brother was so gracious as to let me witness it via three-way, I shared tidbits with New Boo via text. I don't know if I should've done that, but I want him to see who I am -- the good AND the bad. I want him to understand that I don't mean to be self-centered, and I'm trying to be present in all we do, but it's not necessarily in my history. I want him to see my crazy. 

I should probably stop here and update you -- New Boo and I are in the process of combining our households. He doesn't have all of his stuff here yet, but it's coming. And I told him that we won't be able to live together indefinitely without a ring. He knows that I want to be someone's wife and mother, so we're working toward that. That's why it's important to me for him to get a good look at who I am. I don't want to spring stuff on him at the last minute.

He got off work early today, and he came here. It made me smile to know that he chose to be here when he could've gone anywhere else.

If it sounds like I'm rambling, I am. It's just that my brain is all over the place. Ugh.

Thank you for listening.


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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…