Skip to main content

What We Do...

I love him so much. I wish there was a way for me to tattoo that fact on his brain. I think he knows it fundamentally, but his poor heart has been so battered and bruised that it's hard for him to believe it. And that makes it hard for me.

He questions me. He analyzes every jot and tittle. If I edit myself in the middle of a sentence, he's trying to figure out what I didn't say. He looks at my facial expressions and my movements and tries to understand exactly what is going on with me.

I've never been in this type of situation. Ever. No one's ever looked at me and thought that I was the girl good enough or wanted enough to be deceitful. Now he's watching my every move and it's strange...extremely strange.

Honestly, I'm finding it daunting to be under such scrutiny. But I love him so much that I answer all his questions. I give explanations for everything. I do everything in my power to make sure that he realizes how much he means to me.

There are breakthroughs. He gets that I love him. But I need him to rest in that knowledge. Because as much as I love him, I am a human. One who doesn't like to be accused all the time. If my love wasn't strong, he'd push me away.

But I am strong. And my love for him is strong. So I stand here, loving him, willing him to believe me and trust me. This is what we're doing right now. And I will do it as long as it takes to make sure he understands how much I love him. Because I do.

Comments

JB said…
Oh hon, my husband did that for me, just hung in there, loving me, telling me over and over, and even still, after twenty-seven years together, I sometimes don't understand why he loves me, but he does. Thank you for being that person for this guy because I was like him. I hope he can let you in and that you can hold out until he does.
November 16, 2014 at 4:35:00 PM EST
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

He's Gone...For Real

My uncle died. He actually ceased to live. I don't know how to handle this. Even though he was my mother's brother, he was so much more than that to me. He was the coolest cat on the block, He set the standard that every man had to meet. He was the one I compared every man in my life to. For all intents and purposes, he was my de facto dad. I am stunned. I feel like someone knocked the wind out of my body. I grew up watching him. If he sat up straight, I wanted to sit up straight. I once caught him standing up to pee. I thought I'd do that when I grew up, too. (You can just imagine that conversation). That's the thing...he never shied away from my craziness. When I discovered what a father was -- at the tender age of five -- I purposed in my heart to find one for myself. I asked every man I knew, including him, if they'd be my daddy. He said, "I can't be your dad. I'm your uncle." When I pressed, he gently explained that he already had a significan...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Middle Aged Rant

I am single. I’ve never had a husband. I’ve never given birth to a child. I’ve never lived with a man over six months. I am 54. I’m not classically pretty. I’m overweight. I’m not very tall. My brother says I’m a unicorn. My friends are kind enough not to make me feel small. My mother mentions in passing that she wants me to find a husband. I try not to be sad about my state. I’ve lived a life that some would find enviable. I had my dream job, met and interviewed great people, made great friends, and traveled all over the world. I have a new career that I find oddly fulfilling. Men don’t always like that. Some of them are jealous because I’m not easily impressed. Some are jealous because I’ve done things they haven’t. Some are jealous because I’ve lived on both coasts. I don’t know what to do. I can’t change my life – not that I want to. I can’t change my past – not that I want to. I can’t change myself –not that I want to. I just want someone to see me, not the image I present. I want...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Own My Tears

I own my tears. I used this as a hashtag on a Facebook post. I was talking about the movie, "The Fault in Our Stars." If you've seen it, you know what I mean, and I won't spoil it for you. Of course, you know me -- it's deeper than that. I need to say it out loud... I own my tears. New Boo meant the world to me. He really did. Our relationship meant the world to me. It really, really did. And now it's over and he's gone -- seemingly for good. That makes me cry more than I want to, and more than I have ever imagined I would. And while I hate it, I need to do this. I need to mourn this thing in its entirety because it has truly changed my life. I own my tears. I own the fact that I am hurt. I own the fact that I'm mourning a relationship that I wanted to work more than life itself. I wanted to be a part of a couple, and eventually a family. That may well happen for me one day. Today, though, it doesn't look likely. So yes, I cry. And you ...
1 comment
Read more