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The Point of No Return...

There comes a point in every relationship where you go past the point of no return. When you've literally put everything on the table. You can end up revealing some things you never intended to or realized you'd have to admit. I've reached that point with New Boo.

I went home for Thanksgiving, and New Boo stayed here. We kept in close touch while I was gone, but I know we missed each other. When I got home, he had dinner waiting for me and we watched TV and got reacquainted. Afterward, we had a discussion about what went on at home.

One of the things that happened while I was gone was that one of the guys I slept with back in the day hit me up and offered me "birthday dick." Naturally I shut him down because I now have a man. And honestly, since I'm grown, that's just not cool. I probably should've been offended because, let's be real clear, this is how this guy always gets down.

I had no intention of telling New Boo about that incident. But he asked me, and I don't have the capacity to lie to him. If I say he hit the roof, I only say it because it's true. I wasn't prepared for his reaction at all. He was truly pissed off because he was like, "Why would you associate with someone like that?" It took a minute before I could truly see his point, and when I did, I had to admit some things.

For one, I had to admit that I'm more used to dealing with disrespectful guys than those who truly care. And I realize that I'm not used to having someone care about me enough to be angry when I get disrespected. And then I had to admit to myself that I'm not used to anyone standing up for me. Not even my mom.

I told New Boo about the time when a man pulled a knife with me. When I told my mother about it, she was very nonchalant about it -- even though she knew the guy! Even though I never really thought about it, that situation really shaped how I deal with things.

For one, I tend to let people say anything to me -- especially guys. I do it because I don't want to have to deal with the drama that can come with rejection. And that's led to me down a path that I'm not especially proud of, complete with disrespectful jerks and lowlife guys who say things to me like, "I can do anything I want to you and no one will care because you don't have anyone."

Bottom line: I have lived an unfulfilled and unloved life, and I've done everything I know how to do to make it work for me. And it hasn't. And now that I'm with someone who really cares, and I don't know how to handle it. But I want exactly what he's offering, and I'm willing to do what I need to do to have it.

Now I just have to hope that he won't look at my screwed-up self and decide I'm not worth the bother.


JB said…
Keep telling yourself you are worth it. This guy will love you with fewer roadblocks when you love you properly. You really deserve this kind of care, you know.

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Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…