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Where I Am Today...

This is such a surreal place for me right now. I'm actually in a good relationship. I have a boyfriend who loves me and does his best for me. He isn't perfect by any stretch, but we can talk and dream together. That means so much to me. And it's so not where I expected to be.

I'm the girl who always wondered who would want me. I'm not that easy to get along with, I snore, and I'm generally not the chick who gets the good guy. And please understand -- I do not begrudge the women who found their Mr. Wonderfuls before I did. I just always wondered where mine was.

It was okay to be alone in my 20s and 30s -- even though I didn't want to be. You can still write that off as being young. But when you reach 40, things change. At 40, you can't blame anything on your youth. And you also start to modify your dreams. You realize that babies might not be on your agenda at this stage of your life -- even if you want them. (I actually had a man tell me once that I must not have wanted children because if I did, I would've had them by now. It pissed me off because he made it seem like me wanting to wait to have a family -- as opposed to a baby -- was wrong.)

When you're a 40-year-old single woman, you have to make a serious decision about how you want the rest of your life to be. You can either settle into being a bitter cat woman who hates on everyone who has what you don't, or you can learn to celebrate with those who are happy and find the happy in your own solitary life. Is it hard? Of course it is. But it was always my goal to be better -- not bitter.

So I was learning to love my single life, enjoying my friends, and doing whatever I wanted to do when The Man Formerly Known as The One came back into my life. And while I loved him, there was always a nagging voice in the back of mind that wanted more. But honestly, I thought that he was the best I could do.

Then New Boo hit the scene and shook up everything I ever thought about relationships -- especially where I'm concerned. From the very beginning, he was different. He started out taking care of me -- even before he knew who and what I was. When we finally did hook up, he made it different from every other man before him. As our relationship progressed, he made it very clear to me that he wasn't what I was used to -- he was exponentially better.

Now we're here, and I'm thinking about marriage, babies, and other things that have alluded me all my life. What's awesome is that he feels the same way. He's experienced so many bad things at the hands of people who were supposed to love him that he was jaded when he met me. But now he, too, is dreaming again...and I'm the star. I asked him once what he saw when he looked at me. He said, "I see my future."

He's my future, too. I can't wait to get started.


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Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…


So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.