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Where I Am Today...

This is such a surreal place for me right now. I'm actually in a good relationship. I have a boyfriend who loves me and does his best for me. He isn't perfect by any stretch, but we can talk and dream together. That means so much to me. And it's so not where I expected to be.

I'm the girl who always wondered who would want me. I'm not that easy to get along with, I snore, and I'm generally not the chick who gets the good guy. And please understand -- I do not begrudge the women who found their Mr. Wonderfuls before I did. I just always wondered where mine was.

It was okay to be alone in my 20s and 30s -- even though I didn't want to be. You can still write that off as being young. But when you reach 40, things change. At 40, you can't blame anything on your youth. And you also start to modify your dreams. You realize that babies might not be on your agenda at this stage of your life -- even if you want them. (I actually had a man tell me once that I must not have wanted children because if I did, I would've had them by now. It pissed me off because he made it seem like me wanting to wait to have a family -- as opposed to a baby -- was wrong.)

When you're a 40-year-old single woman, you have to make a serious decision about how you want the rest of your life to be. You can either settle into being a bitter cat woman who hates on everyone who has what you don't, or you can learn to celebrate with those who are happy and find the happy in your own solitary life. Is it hard? Of course it is. But it was always my goal to be better -- not bitter.

So I was learning to love my single life, enjoying my friends, and doing whatever I wanted to do when The Man Formerly Known as The One came back into my life. And while I loved him, there was always a nagging voice in the back of mind that wanted more. But honestly, I thought that he was the best I could do.

Then New Boo hit the scene and shook up everything I ever thought about relationships -- especially where I'm concerned. From the very beginning, he was different. He started out taking care of me -- even before he knew who and what I was. When we finally did hook up, he made it different from every other man before him. As our relationship progressed, he made it very clear to me that he wasn't what I was used to -- he was exponentially better.

Now we're here, and I'm thinking about marriage, babies, and other things that have alluded me all my life. What's awesome is that he feels the same way. He's experienced so many bad things at the hands of people who were supposed to love him that he was jaded when he met me. But now he, too, is dreaming again...and I'm the star. I asked him once what he saw when he looked at me. He said, "I see my future."

He's my future, too. I can't wait to get started.


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As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

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I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now.

First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him.

Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we…

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…