This is such a surreal place for me right now. I'm actually in a good relationship. I have a boyfriend who loves me and does his best for me. He isn't perfect by any stretch, but we can talk and dream together. That means so much to me. And it's so not where I expected to be.
I'm the girl who always wondered who would want me. I'm not that easy to get along with, I snore, and I'm generally not the chick who gets the good guy. And please understand -- I do not begrudge the women who found their Mr. Wonderfuls before I did. I just always wondered where mine was.
It was okay to be alone in my 20s and 30s -- even though I didn't want to be. You can still write that off as being young. But when you reach 40, things change. At 40, you can't blame anything on your youth. And you also start to modify your dreams. You realize that babies might not be on your agenda at this stage of your life -- even if you want them. (I actually had a man tell me once that I must not have wanted children because if I did, I would've had them by now. It pissed me off because he made it seem like me wanting to wait to have a family -- as opposed to a baby -- was wrong.)
When you're a 40-year-old single woman, you have to make a serious decision about how you want the rest of your life to be. You can either settle into being a bitter cat woman who hates on everyone who has what you don't, or you can learn to celebrate with those who are happy and find the happy in your own solitary life. Is it hard? Of course it is. But it was always my goal to be better -- not bitter.
So I was learning to love my single life, enjoying my friends, and doing whatever I wanted to do when The Man Formerly Known as The One came back into my life. And while I loved him, there was always a nagging voice in the back of mind that wanted more. But honestly, I thought that he was the best I could do.
Then New Boo hit the scene and shook up everything I ever thought about relationships -- especially where I'm concerned. From the very beginning, he was different. He started out taking care of me -- even before he knew who and what I was. When we finally did hook up, he made it different from every other man before him. As our relationship progressed, he made it very clear to me that he wasn't what I was used to -- he was exponentially better.
Now we're here, and I'm thinking about marriage, babies, and other things that have alluded me all my life. What's awesome is that he feels the same way. He's experienced so many bad things at the hands of people who were supposed to love him that he was jaded when he met me. But now he, too, is dreaming again...and I'm the star. I asked him once what he saw when he looked at me. He said, "I see my future."
He's my future, too. I can't wait to get started.
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