Skip to main content

My State of Mind & Other Randomness

This past weekend was a whirlwind of emotions, and I don't know if I've completely recovered, but I need to share.

One of my best friends lost her mother, and I went to Texas to be with her during what had to be one of the hardest times in her life. I loved her mother, too, so it was hard on me, too. But I'm thankful that I could be available to my friend. After all, we will ALL be in that position one day, and I just wanted to be available to her. In the process, I learned a lot.

For one, I realized that I miss my Christian friends. That's not to say that I don't have Christian friends around now. But these are people that were born and bred in the ways of righteousness. My homegirl is so cold that if you call out a number of a hymn in the Baptist hymnal, she knows the song. That's not necessarily something that everyone thinks is cool, but I do. Since that's not my story, I admire that. Which leads me to another point...

I miss singing. When I lived in California, I was a member of a church and sang on the praise team every week. It was the first time I'd done any regular singing since college, and I realize how much I need it in my life. Some people may take that to mean that I'm vain, but more than anything, that's my service to the Lord. I am a singer. Period. I also had a group of singer friends that I could run with to various karaokes in the city. Unlike most people who use it to have a drunken good time, it was a workout for us. My play-husband and I liked to call ourself karaoke terrorists because we would blow up the stage when we finished singing. 

I don't know if New Boo and I are going to make it. Not because I don't love him -- because I do. More than life itself. However, I don't know how I can reconcile some of his behaviors. For instance, I was out of town. Now I recognize that it was only from Friday to Sunday, but with the kind of pain I was experiencing, I just wanted to wrap up in his arms and let it all go. So what did HE do? He went out with his friends after work instead. And his drunk tail didn't get home until after 1am. To make matters worse, I actually left the house at 1 because I didn't want to kill him. When I got home, he was so drunk that he didn't even notice that I'd been gone. After losing that other one to alcoholism, it's not cool to me for him to be like that -- even if isn't every day.

More than anything else, I know something that I haven't shared with others. Sin is ONLY good for a season. And living with someone isn't something that I want to do for an extended period of time without a marriage license. And while I want to marry New Boo -- and he says he wants to marry me, too -- things like this give me pause.

I can admit that I might be overreacting in light of all that's going on, but I still think it's necessary to deal with it. Also, New Boo did something that I almost want to deem unforgivable -- he shut me down, saying, "I said I'm sorry, and you keep throwing it up in my face." just happened last night. I didn't want to go there and say that EVERY time we have a discussion about people FROM MY PAST that he brings things up like they're a threat. There's one incident I told him about in November that he STILL talks about. 

Am I crazy to love him? Am I crazy to stay? And am I holding on to him because I don't know if I'll ever find anyone who can love me like he does? Or is it just that I need him now? I'm so twisted.

One thing I DO know, though, he's a much better fit for me than an ex that I ran into while I was gone. I saw him in the airport, and his teeth are jacked up, and I'm not convinced that he loves his wife enough because he was trying to proposition me. That's not something I think New Boo would ever do. So one prevailing thought I had all weekend was that I dodged a bullet.

Again...I think I'm losing it...I just don't know. 


Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I…

Yeah...About That...

I'm watching Scandal, and Mellie was talking about how lonely it is to be the president. She spoke about how men have a problem with regular powerful women, but being the leader of the free world comes with a chastity belt.
I get it.
I'm nowhere near the leader of the free world. I'm not even the leader of free lunch, but I get it. If men perceive you to have one more drop of power than they do, they can't handle it.
This is my life. At least it is when it comes to the men I've known.
It's not even like that for me.
I don't even have enough juice to get what I want at work.
But yet I'm seen as intimidating.