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My State of Mind & Other Randomness

This past weekend was a whirlwind of emotions, and I don't know if I've completely recovered, but I need to share.

One of my best friends lost her mother, and I went to Texas to be with her during what had to be one of the hardest times in her life. I loved her mother, too, so it was hard on me, too. But I'm thankful that I could be available to my friend. After all, we will ALL be in that position one day, and I just wanted to be available to her. In the process, I learned a lot.

For one, I realized that I miss my Christian friends. That's not to say that I don't have Christian friends around now. But these are people that were born and bred in the ways of righteousness. My homegirl is so cold that if you call out a number of a hymn in the Baptist hymnal, she knows the song. That's not necessarily something that everyone thinks is cool, but I do. Since that's not my story, I admire that. Which leads me to another point...

I miss singing. When I lived in California, I was a member of a church and sang on the praise team every week. It was the first time I'd done any regular singing since college, and I realize how much I need it in my life. Some people may take that to mean that I'm vain, but more than anything, that's my service to the Lord. I am a singer. Period. I also had a group of singer friends that I could run with to various karaokes in the city. Unlike most people who use it to have a drunken good time, it was a workout for us. My play-husband and I liked to call ourself karaoke terrorists because we would blow up the stage when we finished singing. 

I don't know if New Boo and I are going to make it. Not because I don't love him -- because I do. More than life itself. However, I don't know how I can reconcile some of his behaviors. For instance, I was out of town. Now I recognize that it was only from Friday to Sunday, but with the kind of pain I was experiencing, I just wanted to wrap up in his arms and let it all go. So what did HE do? He went out with his friends after work instead. And his drunk tail didn't get home until after 1am. To make matters worse, I actually left the house at 1 because I didn't want to kill him. When I got home, he was so drunk that he didn't even notice that I'd been gone. After losing that other one to alcoholism, it's not cool to me for him to be like that -- even if isn't every day.

More than anything else, I know something that I haven't shared with others. Sin is ONLY good for a season. And living with someone isn't something that I want to do for an extended period of time without a marriage license. And while I want to marry New Boo -- and he says he wants to marry me, too -- things like this give me pause.

I can admit that I might be overreacting in light of all that's going on, but I still think it's necessary to deal with it. Also, New Boo did something that I almost want to deem unforgivable -- he shut me down, saying, "I said I'm sorry, and you keep throwing it up in my face." Uh...it just happened last night. I didn't want to go there and say that EVERY time we have a discussion about people FROM MY PAST that he brings things up like they're a threat. There's one incident I told him about in November that he STILL talks about. 

Am I crazy to love him? Am I crazy to stay? And am I holding on to him because I don't know if I'll ever find anyone who can love me like he does? Or is it just that I need him now? I'm so twisted.

One thing I DO know, though, he's a much better fit for me than an ex that I ran into while I was gone. I saw him in the airport, and his teeth are jacked up, and I'm not convinced that he loves his wife enough because he was trying to proposition me. That's not something I think New Boo would ever do. So one prevailing thought I had all weekend was that I dodged a bullet.

Again...I think I'm losing it...I just don't know. 

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I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
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I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
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