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Really??? Really!

My Teddy Bear is getting under my skin. That's the only way I can describe what's happening right now. He's an adorable man who makes me laugh. I don't remember the last time I felt so good while being with someone.

So why do I keep thinking about New Boo?

It's crazy. When TMFKATO and I broke up, I was hurt, but I didn't really put a lot of energy into thinking about what I'd lost. I didn't have time because New Boo was all-consuming AND he was super jealous. Even when my ex died, New Boo made me feel like it was crazy to mourn him. So I didn't. I let him steer my thoughts. I let him steer my life. I let him run everything around me. I became what he SAID he wanted.

Except I wasn't what he wanted. No matter how good, how faithful, how honest I was, I was NEVER going to be what he wanted. And believe me, I tried. I couldn't be what he wanted because he didn't know what he wanted. He was and is a miserable individual who doesn't want to grow up and face his responsibilities. And I trusted him with my heart. When he broke it, I didn't know if I'd ever be whole again.

Now MTB is in the picture, and it is his goal to be more than just a passing fancy with me. When he told me that this was a marathon, he really meant it. We talk, we laugh, we play Scrabble (something new for me), and we relate to each other honestly. I think I love him, but I want to be sure before I trust him with my everything.

And he gets it. He knows about NB and what I went through.  He's probably watching me to see if I'm cool with everything. He doesn't want to get hurt, either, but I can tell he's falling for me.

It's a good thing...

Comments

JB said…
You deserve a good man who loves you.

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I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Update

So...I finally unburdened myself to New Boo. I told him that I wasn't built for sneaking around and random treks down the primrose path to sin & degradation.

As expected, he told me, "I thought you wanted just to chill." Then he added -- almost as a smackdown, in my opinion -- "I'm not looking for any relationship. And you're the one who involved me."

He's right. I did. And now I can finally UN-involve him.

I'm not angry. I have no right to be. But I AM finally able to get a bit of closure. And maybe NOW I can move on.

Now the question of my life is...will I be moving on with My Teddy Bear, or on my own?

PS: I think the onset of my period caused me to be in my feelings.