Skip to main content

Really??? Really!

My Teddy Bear is getting under my skin. That's the only way I can describe what's happening right now. He's an adorable man who makes me laugh. I don't remember the last time I felt so good while being with someone.

So why do I keep thinking about New Boo?

It's crazy. When TMFKATO and I broke up, I was hurt, but I didn't really put a lot of energy into thinking about what I'd lost. I didn't have time because New Boo was all-consuming AND he was super jealous. Even when my ex died, New Boo made me feel like it was crazy to mourn him. So I didn't. I let him steer my thoughts. I let him steer my life. I let him run everything around me. I became what he SAID he wanted.

Except I wasn't what he wanted. No matter how good, how faithful, how honest I was, I was NEVER going to be what he wanted. And believe me, I tried. I couldn't be what he wanted because he didn't know what he wanted. He was and is a miserable individual who doesn't want to grow up and face his responsibilities. And I trusted him with my heart. When he broke it, I didn't know if I'd ever be whole again.

Now MTB is in the picture, and it is his goal to be more than just a passing fancy with me. When he told me that this was a marathon, he really meant it. We talk, we laugh, we play Scrabble (something new for me), and we relate to each other honestly. I think I love him, but I want to be sure before I trust him with my everything.

And he gets it. He knows about NB and what I went through.  He's probably watching me to see if I'm cool with everything. He doesn't want to get hurt, either, but I can tell he's falling for me.

It's a good thing...

Comments

JB said…
You deserve a good man who loves you.

Popular posts from this blog

My Personal Superhero

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about.

As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually.

Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down.

I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain.

That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile.

Just thinking ab…

Now What?

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now.

First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him.

Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window.

MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation.

Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I thought we…

The End

Dear New Boo,

I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that.
I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through.
But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again. 
I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for trying.
You don…