Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

Dear New Boo, I knew that tonight would be a pivotal moment in our history, and you did not disappoint. No matter what I thought before this evening, you addressed everything I needed clarification on. Thank you for that. I had all kinds of fanciful thoughts in my mind about what this evening would be. I took every scenario I could and played it out to its end. Each and every one of them. And when I got to the one that actually happened, I thought to myself, surely he won't let this happen. Surely he cares more than that. If he reached out, surely he'll follow through. But no...not you. You did what you always do. You stood me up, and you let me down. Again.  I shouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not. No matter how much faith I try to put in you, you constantly prove that you don't deserve it. No matter how much I try to see the good in you, you always manage to bring the worst to the forefront. And if my feelings are hurt, it's my fault for try...

I sometimes wish for a simpler time. Back when there were no bills, no credit reports, no jobs. A time when I could escape within the pages of a book for hours. Our parents would live forever and we were safe in our neighborhoods. The only thing we worried about was whether we were gonna get caught doing something we weren't supposed to do. How I long for those days now. I'm supposed to see New Boo tonight. I know I shouldn't, but he asked and I want to. My friends don't want me to go, and I know it would break My Teddy Bear's heart. But I want to know what he could possibly have to say after all this time. Basically, my heart needs to see if its made the right decision taking up with MTB. And I hate that I feel this way. Even though I spent the last year putting myself back together, there's still a bit of my heart that's holding out hope. There's still a part of me that wants to be with the man who orchestrated the worst heartbreak of my life...

When New Boo and I broke up, he said, "As long as we're both alive, there'll be a chance for us." Now that My Teddy Bear is on the scene, it's unlikely. But now New Boo wants to see me. I kinda want to see him, too. Here's the deal. I gave New Boo my heart. My whole heart. And he broke it -- and me -- in 20 million different pieces. Crushed it, actually. Even though I didn't want to, I gave him everything The Man Formerly Known as The One -- who will now be known as RIP -- earned. I know it was crazy, but in hindsight that's exactly what I did. That's why I think I took it so hard when we broke up. I was mourning what I had with both of them. Since RIP died, I invested everything in New Boo. When he broke me, I had to regroup and put myself together. MTB has been a big part of that process, but not every part. And there's still a part of me that wants to know for sure if I'm completely over him. I can't do that unless I see him....

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about. As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually. Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down. I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain. That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile. Just th...

Learning who and what you are is an interesting endeavor. It would be nice if we could do it alone, but most times, it takes someone else to help you see. For me, this person is My Teddy Bear. His patient nature -- much like still waters -- lets me see things I never saw before. We had a discussion about sex, intimacy, and the like and I realized something -- I've been doing this all wrong, and for the wrong reasons. I haven't been sharing about this, but I'm dealing with some health issues. At this point, surgery is on the table and I'm kinda scared. The doctor says there's nothing to worry about, but if I'm honest, it's more than just the invasion of my body. It's the attack on my womanhood. MTB has been walking with me during this entire ordeal, and he has been wonderful. No matter how much I miss the delusion of what I had with New Boo, I know he wouldn't have been ready for this. When we talked about my issue with sex, he told me that in...

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now. First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him. Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window. MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation. Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I tho...

Brunch reservations. Who would've thought making them would bring up so much? My Teddy Bear just changed his schedule, which means that we haven't seen each other this week. As you know, this has been a hard week for me because of the reemergence of New Boo and my other issues . Anyway, he asked me to make brunch reservations for Sunday. I tried to ask him what he liked, what the budget was, etc., but all he said was, "Just make 'em. It's not that deep." I didn't realize it, but it really WAS that deep for me.  The last time I made brunch reservations was for me and The Man Formerly Known as The One. It was so painful for me at the time that I didn't write about it. Basically, he came to visit me for his birthday, and I wanted to make it special. I got an outfit that I knew he'd like, a present that would mean something to him, and I made reservations for brunch at this really great spot in the city. It wasn't until all of this...