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Taking Another Break...

If you've been with me thus far, you know that I'm knee-deep in grief over Granny (June 7, 1911-March 5, 2008). Even though I'm sharing my journey with you, I don't want you to get depressed along the way. That's why I'm giving you a little something from my archives. This particular set of situations happened in 2007 before I started blogging for public consumption. FYI, some of the language in the following post may not be suitable for young eyes...

Thursday, August 1st
Do love and happiness ever exist together? I honestly don't remember the last time they did for me. The young man who's been occupying my thoughts lately is an interesting distraction to me. He's a cutie with a good heart, but being with him makes me face some uncomfortable facts about myself.

Anyone who's known me for any length of time knows how I feel about people who work in my industry. I don't like to fool with them because they're so insecure. So imagine my chagrin when I realized -- thanks to Interesting Distraction -- that I'm just as insecure as the brothers I've rallied against for years.

For those of you just meeting me, understand that I'm not a person given to flights of fancy. For the most part, people say that I'm fun to be around, but I live and love deeply. It's nothing for me to be good to people I care about because I just think it's necessary. However, I realize that I need a little affirmation every now and then. I need to know that my efforts aren't in vain. I'm not asking anyone to throw me a ticker-tape parade, but I do need to feel like I'm appreciated.

Interesting Distraction is good-hearted, but he's quiet. He's an only child who has withdrawn into himself to keep from being hurt. I listen not only to what he says, but to what he doesn't say. He makes me laugh, but he doesn't reveal a lot about himself. I'm frustrated by him because I don't know where he is.

ID and I are so different. I want him to know how special he is to me, but he keeps his feelings locked away. That, in turn, causes me to withdraw. He asked me why I hold back with him. I didn't really know how to answer that question at the time. Now I do.

I'm not perfect -- no one is -- but I try hard. Basically, I'm the girl who's dancing as fast as I can and trying to make it look easy. The one thing that scares me most is that someone will figure out my secret and not like me. ID is getting too close, and I'm afraid. Since he's not forthcoming about his feelings for me now -- he just looks at me with what I've interpreted to be a quiet disgust -- I know he'll run away once he really sees me.

Saturday, August 4th
You know, the other day I cared about Interesting Distraction seeing me and not loving me. Now I don't care. The question in my mind is whether he's worth it. This man -- whom I still would like to spend time with -- is an idiot. He called me last night at 2:30 in the morning. I probably wouldn't have minded, but I have to be at work at 6am every day. And not just that, I have three -- count 'em three! -- jobs that I attend every day. Any sane person would realize that I need my rest. Not ID. He has no regard for what I'm going through, and I'm tired.

As if that weren't enough to make me kick him to the curb, I tried to call him all day on Friday. I want to get my house straightened out, but I really need someone to hold my hand through the process. I called him, but he was nowhere to be found. So I went to The Container Store and spent about $400 on stuff to get my stuff organized. It was traumatic -- to say the least -- but I did it. The process upset me so much that I came home and had a couple of margaritas.

Before you start in on me and the margaritas, understand that I don't have a problem with liquor. I drink on occasion, but it's not a regular thing. In fact, that was only the third time I've imbibed in this apartment since I moved her seven months ago.

Anyway, the drinks made me sleepy, and I slept like a baby. I get up this morning and check my phone. ID has called me about eight times and left me a page and a voicemail. I didn't listen to the message, but I called him back to tell him that I had been asleep and would try to catch up with him later. Normally I wouldn't have checked the messages, but since he had paged me, I thought something was wrong. I called the voicemail, and he said something like, "Oh, you must be watching the caller ID and not picking up. Hmm."

Understand this, at 4am, what I'm NOT doing is watching the caller ID. What's worse, since I had been trying to catch up with him all day, the last thing I would've done was ignore his calls. The whole situation pissed me off to the Nth degree of pisstivity, and I decided that it was time to teach this fool a lesson. What I'm about to tell you isn't something I'm particularly proud of, but I'm glad it's done.

I blew his phone up -- both the cell and the home phone -- until he picked up. ID's response was, quote, "WHAT THE FUCK????" He didn't appreciate being disturbed at 7am on a Saturday, but I didn't appreciate my integrity being attacked at 4. I said his name, and he proceeded to hang up on me. About 20 minutes later, he called back and yelled, "Was it really necessary for you to call my motherfuckin' phone 16 times and then call my house phone?" In my calm, white girl voice I told him, "Yes. You called me nine times at 4 in the morning." He was like, "But 16 calls?" I responded, "Well, if we're gonna blow it up, blow it up." He switched up with the, "You're usually up," to which I said, "The only time I'm up that time of night is when I'm on the phone with you, and we NEVER start talking at that time." He wanted to continue fuss, but I was like, "Uh, if you really want to get technical, let's talk about who really ignores the caller ID. I've called you at 5 and 6 in the afternoon, and you were obviously like, 'Hmm, I'm not talking to her.'" That was the last straw with him, and he had to go on and hang up on me.

Even though I liked him, I don't think I'll hear from him. Even if I do, I don't think I'm gonna talk to him. He needs to understand that I, too, have feelings that have to be considered. If he wants more than the perfunctory kitty, he's gonna have to step up his game.

Sunday, August 5th
I am in a state of confusion and hurt. ID had the nerve to call AGAIN at 4 this morning. This time, though, I did listen to the ring tone and didn't pick up. Then, in a fit of loneliness, I called him back when I got up. Naturally, since it was a decent time of day, he didn't pick up. So I left him a message. Crazy, right? I'm feeling the same way I used to feel when I dealt with Travis. I knew he was completely wrong, but I hated facing myself by myself so much that I'd take whatever he dished so I could be outside of myself. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest. Way more honest than I want to be with anyone else, but I have to tell it so I can get away from it. That's what wrong with me, I think. I keep a lot of things inside so that no one can find me out.

Monday, August 6th
Today wasn't a bad day. I didn't hear from ID, and I'm okay about it. I guess because I heard from the one guy who has my heart. I won't name him to protect the innocent, but just know that I love him. He's probably the most compatible guy I've met in a long time. We're in the same field, from the same part of the country, have a lot of the same values, and a strong work ethic. In addition, he's cute and smart, funny and affectionate, and I think he's one of the most attentive lovers I've ever had. Why, pray tell, would all of this bother me?

Mr. Perfect isn't looking for a relationship. Maybe I should rephrase that -- he's not looking for a relationship with me. We knew each other back in New York, but it wasn't until I moved out to California that he showed any real interest in me. Who knew that having three thousand miles between us would draw us together?

MP came out here on business and we hooked up during his two-night visit. The initial encounter left me dazed and confused because on one hand, I've had a massive crush on him for a while and for him to even pay me any attention was major. However, he has one shortcoming that I never thought I'd be able to get past. I don't want to bust him out, but let's just say that he's not exactly living large.

The second night is what sealed the deal for me. After I left MP's hotel room, I had an unexpected visit from "aunt flow." When he called me later on to let me know the plan for the evening, I told him, "Dude, this situation has come up, and while I'd love to see you, just understand that there'll be no hot relations tonight." He was like, "That's cool. Just come anyway, and you can drop me off at the airport in the morning." I went over that evening, and it was the most intimate time I've ever had with a man. Not only did we cuddle -- something I absolutely adore -- we also talked and he gave me one of the best massages I've ever had. He was just so sweet to me that my heart melted right there. I don't think I've been the same since.

MP was wonderful in Cali, but his behavior in NYC was phenomenal. That's when I learned how to deal with his shortcoming. Let's just say that I've acquired the skills to make everything alright. (smile)

When I got back to the west coast, I told MP that I was looking at him differently. That's when he let me know -- in no uncertain terms -- that while he was digging me, he didn't want to put himself in a position of accountability to me. To say that I was devastated is a gross understatement. I was completely crushed, but I couldn't be mad because he was honest. While I don't know what the future actually holds for us, I pretty much know where I stand right now.

Anyway, I said all that to say that when MP comes out this way in September, I'm going to be right there to meet him. Call me crazy, but I owe it to my heart not to shut him out -- or at least that's what I'd like to believe. We'll see.

Meanwhile, my Interesting Distraction has been calling. Since he still hasn't put together that I'm not going to answer the phone at Girl 6 hours -- otherwise known as Booty Call time -- he won't be getting an answer from me.

Just so you know, neither one of these guys made it into 2008 with me. I'll have to bring you up to speed on them soon...


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