Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

Now that I know what's really going on, there's only one thing left to do. Call the fat chick have her start tuning up. Can I say here that I am so disappointed right now? That this is the last thing I wanted to do with any part of my time? That I so wanted my dating life to be over so my married family life could begin? But unlike New Boo, I'm an adult. I realize that hard choices have to be made, and I can't be caught up in my feelings when I make them. As much as it's going to hurt to release him, he must go. And his exit from my life will have to be complete. I cannot accidentally run into him. He has to be erased. It's times like this that you wish "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was real. If I could just erase the last year of my life, I think I'd be okay. I could get rid of TMFKATO and New Boo in one fell swoop. But even as I type that, I know better. I know that both of these relationships have put me in a better place for m...

Hookwinked. Bamboozled. Run amuck. This is the sum total of my feelings right now. After weeks of complete foolishness from the man I love -- known here as New Boo -- I finally got an answer to the question: "What the hell is wrong with you?" He's scared. This man who convinced me that he loved me -- no easy feat, mind you. Convinced me that we should live together. Convinced me that I could dream about love, children, and family again. That fool told me, "Maybe we just moved too fast..." Are you kidding me? You get me out here in Emotionville...where I -- for once -- let me feelings lead me...and you tell me that you're scared? That we moved too fast? He's full of shit.

My heart is sore. That's the only way I can describe it. When I left you, New Boo hadn't come home. He finally made it in -- the next night. What he told me gave me more pause than I'm ready for. His explanation was that he'd done "something bad" -- I can't bring myself to say what -- and he didn't want me to see him that way. Okay...I have to admit that I've NEVER dealt with that one. I didn't know what to do at all. For one, I realize that his issues have nothing to do with me because that's not the kind of person I am. Secondly, I love him, and I want to help, but this is so far removed from everything I know. So that was bad, but I thought I'd be okay. Then he did something similar two nights later where he didn't come home until 2:30 in the morning. I was livid because we'd just had the same fight two days ago. His drunken philosophy was that he'd come home, so I should be okay. Never mind that he was drunk out of...

What I wouldn't give to turn back the hands of time. To a time when I knew you loved me. When you loved US. You wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with you. And that's what we did. We were the couple of the year.  We were the ones who could beat the odds. We were the ones who could actually stay in love. I wanted you to be the end of my dating career And you wanted me to be the end of yours. Now I don't even recognize those people. They don't exist.  My heart hasn't changed But yours has. I feel it when you look at me You used to see me. You used to see my love for you. You used to see my heart. Now you just see the woman you tolerate. You don't want to be with me And it's obvious. I know you like new and exciting. That's not me anymore. I see you going down a destructive path. Not only destructive to US, but to you. And I can't do a thing about it. What happened here? We...

there will come a day when it won't matter to me what you do or how you do it. i won't care about you or where you'll live or how you're doing or how you feel. that day isn't today. i wish it was. then i wouldn't care about how you'll handle my sadness. how you'll come in here with no words. your happiness won't be a concern of mine. and that's when i'll know it's completely over. today is not that day. today you matter more than you should. today my heart is so empty and wounded and hurt that i can't handle it. i wish this was another day. i just want what we said we wanted. i'm willing to work on it. i now know you're not. that hurts, too. all i want to do is be with you. love you like i used to. have you love me like you used to. when we'd sneak out at night to find someplace to put our trash. as much as i hated the haunted house of horrors, our relationship was good there. you loved me there....

Remember when you loved me? I do. When you came to Harlem to see me in my dinky little room. When you came to see me when I was sick as a dog with strep throat. When you bought me a coffee cup at the haunted house of horrors because you got tired of seeing me drink it out of a plastic cup. Remember when you wanted to be with me? I do. When you would meet me at the job so we could take the train together. When you invited me out with you and your friends for Halloween. When we spent the day walking through Riverside Park. And all those times we'd go look for places to leave our trash. Remember when we were friends? I do. When you let me cry on your chest. When you held me when I found out that the man I left for you died. When you held my hand. What happened?

In any relationship, there's a point of no return. For the late The Guy I Thought Was The One, it was the point at which he cussed me out. For New Boo, I see it's the point where he can't come home. To be fair -- as much as I can be -- he knew he was coming home to a fight. My text messages said so, and I don't know that I blame him for wanting to avoid that. However, I submit that he could've avoided it had he been respectful and considerate in the beginning. The day started out typically for us in that he went out to work and I stayed home to work. Because I didn't really have anything particular on my agenda, I let him use my metrocard because it's unlimited and would allow him to save a couple of bucks. In the afternoon, he hit me up and asked about dinner. I told him what I wanted to make, and what I needed him to make, and that was what was supposed to happen. Then I get a call from him saying that he had to work late. No problem, I said, j...

I saw it. You know how you try to rationalize things to make them feel better? Try to say to yourself, "Oh...you're just being paranoid." You talk yourself out of conversations you know you need to have because you don't want to come off as crazy. But I saw it. When he looked at me like I was the most disgusting person in the world. When he refused to kiss me. When he pulled away from my touch...I knew what was happening, but I didn't want to believe it. But I saw it. He said he loves me, but only after I tell him. He touches me, but only when he wants to. Every other time, he's wrapped up -- literally and figuratively -- in his own world. I tried to give him space and let him work through his issues and come back to me. But I saw it. Now I sit here, just after sunrise, and he hasn't come home. Never mind that we I share a bed, a house, a life. He decided that whatever was going on with him was so important that he couldn't be bothered to...