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I Saw It

I saw it.

You know how you try to rationalize things to make them feel better? Try to say to yourself, "Oh...you're just being paranoid." You talk yourself out of conversations you know you need to have because you don't want to come off as crazy.

But I saw it.

When he looked at me like I was the most disgusting person in the world. When he refused to kiss me. When he pulled away from my touch...I knew what was happening, but I didn't want to believe it.

But I saw it.

He said he loves me, but only after I tell him. He touches me, but only when he wants to. Every other time, he's wrapped up -- literally and figuratively -- in his own world. I tried to give him space and let him work through his issues and come back to me.

But I saw it.

Now I sit here, just after sunrise, and he hasn't come home. Never mind that we I share a bed, a house, a life. He decided that whatever was going on with him was so important that he couldn't be bothered to make an appearance here -- even after I asked him to.

So I saw it.

I saw this coming. I saw him pull his heart away and lock it behind the wall that keeps his precious things. The wall I thought would keep our love safe. The wall that I could see, but never get around.

I saw it.
And I ignored it.
I wished it away.
But now it's here.
And I can't ignore it any longer.

The love I thought we had is gone.
The respect, the trust, the life I thought we had is gone.
He has taken it from me.
And I have nothing.
No dignity, no love, nothing.

And I saw it coming the whole time.

Comments

JB said…
Oh honey, you have dignity. He can't take that from you though you might not feel it for a bit. And there is love too. You need time to think about the people who loved you the best. In my dark times, it was the way my grandpa listened to me and the way my grandma hugged me. I pray that those moments come back to you when you need them most.
May 19, 2015 at 9:14:00 PM EDT
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