Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

"He's preparing me for something I cannot handle right now..." That's the opening line to one of my favorite songs by Daryl Coley. After all I've been through this year, I just have to believe that I'm getting ready for something awesome. The latest situation to visit me is a roommate. My homegirl asked me if I'd be willing to lend my couch to a guy at her church who was having a hard time. I was like, "Sure," because so many people have helped me in my journey that it's nice sometimes to pay it forward. Oh boy. This dude is no freakin' joke, to say the least. He's nice, but I don't think he and I could do this for the long haul. For one, he's an OCD neat freak...and let's just say that I'm not. Which probably wouldn't bother me, but he's also a control freak who thinks that he's always right. As if that weren't bad enough, he thinks he knows everything because he's a preacher from New Orlea...

I need someone to love. I realized this tonight as I sit here trying to write for work. I need someone in my life who needs me. I never really thought I needed that before this very moment. Watching people love and care for each other is awesome, but I wanna participate in that, too. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines. Here's when you KNOW it's gotten bad. The thought of getting a pet actually crossed MY mind. I don't even like animals like that. But I want someone or something to cuddle with. And since I don't have a man or a baby, I need something that I can shower all this affection on that I have bottled up in my heart. I should probably stop here and say that I know my period is somewhere around the corner because I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. It's not the time for that. Anyway...I need someone to love. Period.

I am not a jealous person by nature. I need to say that first because what just happened to me hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm in one of Starbucks' many locations in the Southern California area, and a mother and her children walked in. The mother was pretty in a delicate sort of way, and her children were cute, too. I could see her features on her daughter face. Her camel-colored daughter had not, however, inherited her blonde hair. And in the instant I thought it, my heart sank in my chest in a way reserved for happy couples. Before we go further, this isn't a racial issue, per se. Even though the bling on mommy's finger almost blinded me -- literally -- that's not what hurts. What I want to understand is why no chocolate-colored man ever wanted to put a ring on it when it came to me. There are times when I don't care that I'm one of several melanin-rich women that haven't been selected in the game of life. The consolation we have is that w...

I had a conversation with one of my best friends, and we were discussing her breakup with her husband. Not to go into any details, but it was particularly devastating for her. When it happened, I was living in New York City, and I brought her up for a weekend to get away. We hung out, laughed, joked, partied, got her a new hairdo...the works. She always told me that it was helpful for her. Honestly, I was doing what I thought a friend should do. But I have to tell you -- I had no clue what she was actually going through. I couldn't comprehend the depth of the pain she was experiencing. Now I do. After the New Boo debacle -- combined with TMFKATO -- I don't know how people survive that stuff multiple times. I don't know if I could walk upright if I went through this more than once or twice. I see people falling in and out of love all the time. I don't know how they do it. But can I say that as much as this has hurt, I'm glad to have experienced it. No matter ho...

I was loved. I was thinking about my life this time last year. I was reflecting on how so much could change in 365 days. My heart was safe. I thought I was participating in the definitive relationship of my life. I can see the stars that were sparkling in my eyes, and I loved it. People probably thought I was crazy. After all, who invests their everything in Macy's salesperson? That would be me. He made me feel like I could fly. I was loved. Today I'm in California keeping my friend's son. He's looking at me as my eyes well up with tears. I can't explain it to him, and fortunately, he's not a perceptive enough child to care that I'm broken. All he knows is that I'm going to take him to daycare. I was loved. I promise you that I won't wallow today. Inasmuch as I want to, I won't. I honestly don't have the time or the energy to devote to mourning my wasted affection again. Instead, I will do my best to celebrate the fact that no m...

I own my tears. I used this as a hashtag on a Facebook post. I was talking about the movie, "The Fault in Our Stars." If you've seen it, you know what I mean, and I won't spoil it for you. Of course, you know me -- it's deeper than that. I need to say it out loud... I own my tears. New Boo meant the world to me. He really did. Our relationship meant the world to me. It really, really did. And now it's over and he's gone -- seemingly for good. That makes me cry more than I want to, and more than I have ever imagined I would. And while I hate it, I need to do this. I need to mourn this thing in its entirety because it has truly changed my life. I own my tears. I own the fact that I am hurt. I own the fact that I'm mourning a relationship that I wanted to work more than life itself. I wanted to be a part of a couple, and eventually a family. That may well happen for me one day. Today, though, it doesn't look likely. So yes, I cry. And you ...

It finally dawned on me why I've taken this breakup so hard. I got dumped. This is the one of the first times in my romantic history that someone has said to me, "Yeah...I'm done with you." And to be clear, there have been times when relationships have run their course. But this is the first time I've been blindsided by a situation that I thought was good. I got dumped. I'm guessing this is what the guys I've left behind feel. When they think they've done their best...and I don't agree...and I put plans in motion to get out, they, too, feel blindsided. But this time... I got dumped. I've had several relationships end. All of them, actually. And I didn't want all of them to end. Who wants to be single? Certainly not me. But when they got bad, I got out. Because even though I don't want to be single, I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship. Maybe I wasn't in a bad relationship, but he was. Rather than tell m...