Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

My Teddy Bear continues to prove that he loves me in ways I never thought about. As I told you before, I've been dealing with health issues. It's not pretty at all. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's messy and leaves me weak sometimes. Weaker than I'd ever want to admit, actually. Anyway, a friend of mine was coming to visit and I was trying to get my house ready. I managed to clean my bedroom and the bathroom before MTB came over. All I had to do was get the living room and kitchen together. But my body wasn't cooperating at all. I was in so much pain that I laid it down. I woke up the next morning in a complete mess from my issue. After I got up to clean myself up, he says to me, "Go lay down. I'm gonna finish up for you." I wanted to argue, but I couldn't because I was in too much pain. That man cleaned my apartment. All of it. Swept AND mopped my floors and did all my dishes. And did it with a smile. Just th...

Learning who and what you are is an interesting endeavor. It would be nice if we could do it alone, but most times, it takes someone else to help you see. For me, this person is My Teddy Bear. His patient nature -- much like still waters -- lets me see things I never saw before. We had a discussion about sex, intimacy, and the like and I realized something -- I've been doing this all wrong, and for the wrong reasons. I haven't been sharing about this, but I'm dealing with some health issues. At this point, surgery is on the table and I'm kinda scared. The doctor says there's nothing to worry about, but if I'm honest, it's more than just the invasion of my body. It's the attack on my womanhood. MTB has been walking with me during this entire ordeal, and he has been wonderful. No matter how much I miss the delusion of what I had with New Boo, I know he wouldn't have been ready for this. When we talked about my issue with sex, he told me that in...

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am having issues right now. First of all, I'm realizing some things about myself that I really don't like admitting. For one, I am NOT satisfied with My Teddy Bear. Why, you ask? Because sex isn't a priority with him. Some people drink. Some smoke. I like to have sex. It quiets the voices in my head that talk crazy to me. For those brief, shining moments, I get to be the best of me. I'm beautiful, sexy, and desirable. No matter how fat I am, in that moment I'm able to make someone else feel good. That makes me feel good. Also,  I know how to relate on that level, so everything that I perceive to be wrong with me goes out the window. MTB doesn't know this. Even though I've always felt this way, I don't talk about it. Most of the guys I know actually want sex. They probably use it the way I do -- as a feel-good situation. Things with New Boo weren't like that. We had a real connection. Or at least I tho...

Brunch reservations. Who would've thought making them would bring up so much? My Teddy Bear just changed his schedule, which means that we haven't seen each other this week. As you know, this has been a hard week for me because of the reemergence of New Boo and my other issues . Anyway, he asked me to make brunch reservations for Sunday. I tried to ask him what he liked, what the budget was, etc., but all he said was, "Just make 'em. It's not that deep." I didn't realize it, but it really WAS that deep for me.  The last time I made brunch reservations was for me and The Man Formerly Known as The One. It was so painful for me at the time that I didn't write about it. Basically, he came to visit me for his birthday, and I wanted to make it special. I got an outfit that I knew he'd like, a present that would mean something to him, and I made reservations for brunch at this really great spot in the city. It wasn't until all of this...

I knew it would happen. I just knew it. New Boo called me. He texted me first from a number I didn't recognize. The minute I saw the words on the screen I knew it was him. Instead of playing the "who is this" role, I entertained it. Next thing you know, I'm on the phone with the orchestrator of my greatest heartache. I'm talking, laughing, and sharing with the man who broke me. He says he's sorry. He knows he was wrong. He admits he was screwed up and messed up with me. He misses our life together. I do, too. But I've moved on. I've got a good man who loves me to death. I have someone in my corner who treats me like gold. I told him that. So why was I thinking about seeing him again? Fortunately I have good friends who love me enough to pull me from the brink. My girl said, "The woman he's living with is probably about to put him out." It was a year ago when he started acting out with me. It must be something about sprin...

Have you ever felt like a fish out of water? That's how I feel with My Teddy Bear. He's an awesome man. The way he treats me is second to none. I'm realizing that men actually CAN love women in a way that's real and pure. So why am I having a hard time accepting it? I swear...I never thought I'd be here, but I am. I don't feel worthy of his kindness and affection. And I can't pinpoint why I'm having issues with it. It's like I've finally found exactly what I need in a man, but I don't know that I'm good enough for him. Could it be because New Boo still creeps into my dreams? Please be clear -- NO woman deserves to be put through what NB put me through. I treated him like gold, but he tossed me aside like glass. I sometimes think that the way I'm feeling about MTB is how NB felt about me -- like he wasn't good enough. The difference between me and NB is that I recognize MTB's goodness as being an inherent part of hi...

Writing is the way I deal with most things these days. It's easier for me to type than to talk sometimes. The way I see it, I can get everything out without having to answer questions about it. This thing with Prince has me shaken. I'm fully aware that he was human, and humans die every day. They're not designed to live forever. But when talking of someone as iconic as Prince, that's what you expect. They're not supposed to die when you're not ready. Or when there's no reason to think that they would. He wasn't even sick -- as far as we know. Maybe if we knew more about him, this wouldn't be so hard. If we had an insight into what was actually going on in his life, it would make this easier. My initial Facebook status when I heard the news was, "I do NOT want to believe this, and I don't want it to be true. As this news settles into my heart, I honestly can't handle it and I don't want to. Prince provided the soundtrack to so...