Skip to main content

The Business of Grief

Can someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do? I'm caught in a crazy place, and I don't want to be here. On one hand, I feel like the biggest jerk in the world. Here I am sad because my 96-year-old grandmother is gone, and some people haven't been privileged to know theirs. Everyone says, "She lived a long, full life. You should celebrate." And I will...one day. Today, I'm completely broken. It's like my very core has been ripped out. The one person that I could count on to be here isn't. And while I know my life will go on, and that this pain will subside, I don't know what I'll do until then.

Granny's never been far from my mind, but now that she's taken her leave, I hear her words echoing in my head all the time. Every situation is running through my Granny filter. "If Granny saw/heard that, she'd say/do, etc." My memories of her -- I have so many -- keep playing in my head like some kind of crazy movie. It would be different if I could remember everything in order, but things are just jumping on my mind's screen from every era of my life.

Everyone knows how much Granny means to me, and they're all watching me to make sure I'm okay. It's funny. I thought that I'd be all torn up -- and trust me when I tell you, I am on my inside parts -- but I can't just fall to pieces for the camera. I'm working very hard to keep it together, at least for now. I know I'll be a mess soon enough, so I just want to get through this process.

I'm taking my cues from my grandmother's children, my mom and my uncle. They're busy handling the business of the funeral. My mom, who lives in Dallas, is heading to East Texas tomorrow because she has the dress she wants Granny to be buried in. My uncle, who took care of Granny these last few years, made all the arrangements for the service. I said I'd write something for the obituary. I know they're both very hurt, but they're keeping it together for my sake. Therefore, I'm doing the best I can to keep it together for them.

I know that grief is something that affects everyone differently, and this is what it's doing to me...

Comments

Janelle said…
I wish there was some magic potion to alleviate the pain. (maybe I should talk to the Heights about concocting one. LOL)

But seriously, only time will fade the pain. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of my great-grandmother. And I will always miss her but when I hear her words of wisdom in my head or when a story about her pops into my mind, I know that it's her way of letting me know that she will always be a part of me.

Love ya!

Popular posts from this blog

On Barack, the Nomination, and Black Love

I'm so excited about Barack Obama! I know I'm just joining the teeming millions when I say that, but I think something this big is worth repeating. Never before in the history of our country has a Black man been in a position to lead the free world, and it feels good. I'm so glad that I've lived long enough to see this day.

Beside the fact that Barack is a great candidate for the Democratic party, I'm moved by his relationship with Michelle. Not since The Cosby Show have we seen a successful Black couple who have a genuine and sincere love and respect for one another. What makes their relationship so special is that it's real -- not the product of someone's imagination.

I obviously don't know Michelle Obama, but I want to grow up to be just like her. I love the fact that she doesn't NEED Barack. She's strong, smart, and successful in her own right, yet secure enough to fall back and be supportive of her man. That's something that all y…

In My Feelings...Again

There are times when I think I should change the name of this blog. Today I do NOT feel like a diva. I feel like a pitiful mess of a woman who's completely in my feelings.

I hate it when I get here.

I was minding my business last night when Juice hit me up. (Remind me to tell you about him later.) He wanted to hang out because we'd actually said we would. But he's he's only after one thing and I wasn't inspired enough to venture out to deal with him, so I told him I was in for the evening.

At the same time, New Boo asked me if I'd done my hair.

Let's be clear. My hair in and of itself isn't necessarily that big a deal. However, him asking me about it could indicate that I was on his mind and that he cared about me in more than a horizontal way. That would be awesome...but I know it's not true. Even though I engaged in conversation with him -- because that's what I do -- it was painful.

I am lonely. I want to be with someone who cares about me. I…

Out of Time

Time. You always think you have more...until you don't. I'm there.

I just left the doctor, where we discussed my fibroid. She said it was huge. So huge, in fact, that she couldn't get it all. If there's a need for another surgery, it'll be a hysterectomy.

I want babies. I want to be someone's mother. I also want to be someone's wife before I become someone's mother. And therein lies my dilemma.

It would be stupid for me to have a baby with My Teddy Bear. That's the reality of my life right now. But it would be even stupider to have a child with New Boo. Not only does he not want any more babies, he does't take care of the ones he already has. I would be an absolute idiot to attempt procreation with him. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not interested in raising a child alone. I want my baby to have a mother AND a father.

So here I am, a 46-year-old woman who's run out of time.