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The Business of Grief

Can someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do? I'm caught in a crazy place, and I don't want to be here. On one hand, I feel like the biggest jerk in the world. Here I am sad because my 96-year-old grandmother is gone, and some people haven't been privileged to know theirs. Everyone says, "She lived a long, full life. You should celebrate." And I will...one day. Today, I'm completely broken. It's like my very core has been ripped out. The one person that I could count on to be here isn't. And while I know my life will go on, and that this pain will subside, I don't know what I'll do until then.

Granny's never been far from my mind, but now that she's taken her leave, I hear her words echoing in my head all the time. Every situation is running through my Granny filter. "If Granny saw/heard that, she'd say/do, etc." My memories of her -- I have so many -- keep playing in my head like some kind of crazy movie. It would be different if I could remember everything in order, but things are just jumping on my mind's screen from every era of my life.

Everyone knows how much Granny means to me, and they're all watching me to make sure I'm okay. It's funny. I thought that I'd be all torn up -- and trust me when I tell you, I am on my inside parts -- but I can't just fall to pieces for the camera. I'm working very hard to keep it together, at least for now. I know I'll be a mess soon enough, so I just want to get through this process.

I'm taking my cues from my grandmother's children, my mom and my uncle. They're busy handling the business of the funeral. My mom, who lives in Dallas, is heading to East Texas tomorrow because she has the dress she wants Granny to be buried in. My uncle, who took care of Granny these last few years, made all the arrangements for the service. I said I'd write something for the obituary. I know they're both very hurt, but they're keeping it together for my sake. Therefore, I'm doing the best I can to keep it together for them.

I know that grief is something that affects everyone differently, and this is what it's doing to me...

Comments

Janelle said…
I wish there was some magic potion to alleviate the pain. (maybe I should talk to the Heights about concocting one. LOL)

But seriously, only time will fade the pain. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of my great-grandmother. And I will always miss her but when I hear her words of wisdom in my head or when a story about her pops into my mind, I know that it's her way of letting me know that she will always be a part of me.

Love ya!
March 9, 2008 at 12:08:00 PM EDT
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