Excerpts from the Diary of a Diva

So 2011 is slowly but surely coming to a close. If you're like me, you're taking these last few days to reflect on this year...and trying to figure out what you can do to make the next year better. As I've said before, 2011 has been a year that really defies words. Between losing people I love to changing jobs, I'm still not able to talk about it. When I am, believe me, you'll be the first to know. What I can talk about is what I'd like to see in 2012. I'd like to lick this weight problem once and for all. I want to commit to myself in a way I haven't before. That means daily exercise, cooking, and shopping on a weekly basis. I don't know if I'll be able to maintain all that, but it's a goal. I also want to decorate my apartment. Since I've been in LA, I've moved five times. Naturally, I haven't felt stable. But now that I'm in my 40s, I need to have a place I'm proud to bring people to. I need to be able to have company w...

It's been a minute since I posted, and I apologize for that one. It's been a crazy year, and it's been hard to put into words what's been going on with me. After my last post, I really thought I'd given up on love. I have since changed my mind (as I knew I would). And this particular blog really put it all in perspective for me. Check it out here . I'll be back soon to share my thoughts. Love you, and Merry Christmas.

There comes a time in every woman's life when she finally realizes that all hope is gone. And that time has come for me. After hoping and wishing and praying for a boyfriend, I'm giving up the ghost. Even though I have an unlimited amount of unconditional love to give, I am fast approaching the "I don't give a damn" space. This is new for me. I try to be the eternal optimist. I work hard to see the positive in every situation. But after looking at the abyss that is my life, I just can't. My body will never be beautiful in that Hollywood, plastic surgery kind of way. No matter how hard I try, I just can't fit into anyone's definition of beautiful. And to top it off, I'm a 40-year-old workaholic with bad credit. What man in his right mind would want me? I know this all sounds hopeless and pessimistic. That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning. Stay tuned...

Summer 2011 will certainly go down as one of the craziest in my life. Honestly, there are no other words to describe what's been going on with me. I went on vacation at the beginning of August. I decided to go to New York on a buddy pass. For those of you who've never flown on a buddy pass, it's a perk for airlines employees to give to their friends and family so they can travel cheaply. The only drawback is that you don't have a guaranteed seat, which means that if someone has paid full price for a ticket, they can bump you off the flight. I'll spare you all the details, but let's just say ya girl went on a cross-country tour to get to New York, with stops in Oakland, Vegas, Denver, and Chicago. I left on Saturday morning and arrived Sunday night. Whew! New York was great -- as always. I was able to work and kick it with my peeps, which was really awesome. And I was able to do a little standup. (I found out that the jokes that work in LA do NOT work in NYC --...

There comes a point in every friendship where you have to decide whether it’s best to be honest. And that point came for me today. See, I live in America. As a Black woman. There’s no way I’ll align myself with anyone who’s sole purpose is to make my life a living hell. And that’s what I believe the Republican Party is out to do. First of all, they have no compassion whatsoever for anyone who’s not rich. They’d rather take care of the business owners than take care of the workers. They have no interest anything or anyone that doesn’t generate revenue. Furthermore, they want to tamper with reproductive rights. That’s a problem to me. Understand that I’m pro-life all day long. The way I see it, people have sex all the time and don’t get pregnant. So when they do, I believe that God has a divine purpose for that baby. However, I understand that everyone doesn’t share my feelings. And I don’t think a woman should have to be butchered in a back alley if she chooses to abort a baby. Wou...

I'm realizing that comedy is hard. It's hard to make people laugh, true, but the real hard part is exposing the tragedies of your life. This blog has been my therapy for the last three years. Without it, I think I would've gone completely mad. Yet, for all that I release on these pages, there's so much more that I keep locked away in my heart. Furthermore, I don't tell many people about this blog. The majority of the people who read this have never met me. I don't even use my real name. Comedy is a genre that demands honesty. You have to be real to be likeable. And that reality can be too much for a private person like myself. I don't want to tell people about the ugly parts of my life...the loneliness, the anxiety, and the general malaise that makes up MackDiva. Now I'm considering a career that puts everything you think and feel on display. Am I crazy? What made me think I'd be okay to do this? If I'm completely honest with myself, ...

I really don't have time to post today, but I couldn't leave you hanging, dear reader. As I told you, my comedic debut was Tuesday night...and it was very cool. My set was tight, I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be, and the people laughed. It was magical to me, and I'm excited. Now for the really cool part. As a result of that performance, I now have a chance to perform at The World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood! The show will be on Wednesday, July 27th at 8pm in The Belly Room. It's what's known as a "bringer" show. That means that I have to bring at least 5 people to get a spot on the bill. So, if you're in the LA area, feel free to come and support the Macklicious One in her comedic endeavors. Thanks, y'all! Now, back to your regularly scheduled programs.

Here I am, another Saturday night. In my house. Alone...and hungry. This time, I got my hair braided and had lunch with a friend. After that, I came home and promptly fell asleep. I'm a little nervous. In three days, I'm going to make my debut as a comedian. I started taking a class six weeks ago, and Tuesday is our "graduation." My teacher is a successful comedian, and he's given us all the tools we need to be great. And I've tried to come up with some funny stuff...and I think I've succeeded. However, I'd be lying if I told you that my nerves aren't shot. And the thought of getting up in front of people is wearing me out. Still...I'm excited. I'm doing something that most people just dream about. And like I said, I think my stuff is pretty funny. If you're in the Los Angeles area and are in the mood for a good giggle, you can come to our showcase at The Comedy Union, 5040 West Pico Blvd, Los Angeles, CA , (323)934-9300. It starts at ...

I found an article on the Huffington Post that perfectly summed up what I've been feeling about the whole children/marriage thing, and I wanted to share it with you. Check it out and tell me what you think. The only component she didn't address is the faith factor. I believe God intends for us to be married before we have kids. And before you go off the deep end, I'm not knocking single parents at all. My mother raised me solo, and I'm thankful for it. And I know a lot of wonderful mothers -- and fathers -- who are doing the best they can for the children. However, most of the single parents I know aren't that way by choice. Life circumstances made the situation necessary. For me, I want to have a family...not just babies. And I'm willing to wait.

I'm tired of being alone. There, I said it. It's Saturday night, and I'm watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy . (Sidebar: NOT the show to watch when love has avoided your life like the plague.) I originally planned to hang out with one of my platonic guy friends tonight at the concert of one of my favorite singers. (Another sidebar: NOT the kind of date you want when your bed is cold.) What ended up happening? The concert was sold out. And my early hair appointment, comedy class, and training session caught up with me...and knocked me out cold. By the time I woke up at 11:15, it was too late for dinner...dancing...anything. And now I'm hungry. I'm thinking about getting dressed and heading to an all-night diner. But there's nothing more pathetic than a lonely, single woman eating by herself in the wee hours of the morning. Sure, I could always put on my freakum dress with my FMQ pumps, and pretend that I'm waiting for someone to meet me. But who...

After living in LA for over four years, I'm convinced that good men are hiding. Where, I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong...I'm sure that there are guys in this town who are treating their women with respect and giving them da business. However, I haven't been fortunate enough to make their acquaintance. The guys I've met seem to be extremely selfish with absolutely no regard for what a woman needs. From what I can tell, it's all about them and their satisfaction. The latest guy I met seems destined for that category. Comedian Boy didn't actually approach me. Instead, he slipped me his card. I was intrigued, so I emailed him. A few exchanges later, we were on the phone. His conversation was okay...mostly sarcastic, though. After I giggled a bit, we made tentative plans to hang out. Note that I didn't say, "go on a date." It ended up being a group affair...which was fine. I had a good time -- which I needed because I was deep in ...

On Thursday, June 23rd, Toni Michelle Henderson, lost her battle with diabetes. She was 40 years old. I met Toni in 1990. We were both transfer students. She was from San Antonio and had a wicked wit. She and the other big city girls made fun of my tiny hometown in the outback of Texas. They got a kick out of making me the butt of their country jokes. I hated it, and I hated them for it. But eventually, I learned to look past all that. She was the one who taught me how to play spades because I wanted to meet guys...and the only way to do it was to be able to play cards and talk trash in the lobby. I hadn't learned at home because my grandmother thought cards were of the devil. We also sang in the gospel choir together. She wasn't great at it, but what she lacked in skill she made up for in enthusiasm. A lack of financial aid forced Toni to leave school after a year, but our bond was already forged. Over the years, we hung out all over the country -- in Dallas, New Yo...

This is still hard. Even though I'm doing my best to move on, I see that my situation is fragile. I don't know why I thought losing you would be easy. I guess in my mind, I didn't realize how much I missed seeing your face. And I didn't realize how much you meant to me. Now that I won't be able to giggle with you again, your true significance is settling in. When I started working for you, I was still trying to navigate a new normal in a new city. You were a friend to me when I didn't have any...and you were sweet to me. Not in the romantic sense, though. Even though I had a massive crush on you, I knew we'd never be like that. Instead, you helped me navigate that first year. I'll never forget how you made the kids say wish me a happy birthday in rap session. You knew I was having a hard time being away from my family, and you did your part to make my day special. And I guess that's what it is...the small ways you made a difference. Did we ...

I am sad. I don't want to be, but this is how it is when people die. I knew you were sick, but who expects a man under 50 to just die -- even if you're battling cancer? And I just found out a couple of months ago. I didn't even have time to live with the idea...much less get to a place where I could accept you dying. I'm still not there. Yet, as I open my eyes to a world you're no longer in, I don't have a choice in the matter. You're gone, and there's nothing I can do about it. So many memories flood my mind... The interview, when you asked me if I could work full-time in the summer and switch to part-time in the fall. I told you, "Sure, if I could move in with you. You seem nice, but I really don't know if we need to live together so soon." We both cracked up, and I knew we'd be friends. After I got the job, I was scared to death at the thought of teaching kids about my passion. But you were confident I could do it...and you did...

My heart is in a crazy place right now. I went home to see my mother for Mother's Day. It wasn't spectacular. I did buy her some stuff and got her a custom-made card from my good friend, Janelle (whose blog is one to watch), but that wasn't anything to write home about. What made it special was that we -- my mom, my brother, and my uncle and his new wife -- were all together. It's no secret that I miss my family, but now that I've been gone over 11 years, it's not an active ache like it used to be. But when we all get together, it's truly a day of rejoicing...at least it is for me. And I remember that I miss those times. On the flip side, one of my best friends lost his father. What's sad about that -- besides the obvious, of course -- is that he and his father never saw eye-to-eye on anything. My friend is an accomplished choir director who's known in choral music circles as one to watch. Yet his father never attended a concert. Meanw...

Osama Bin Laden is dead. Unless you've been under a rock in the middle of the desert with no computer, phone, or TV -- and no human contact whatsoever -- you heard about President Obama's triumph. At his direction, the world's most hated terrorist was killed. While I'm glad to know that justice was served, my question is...now what? I've always believed that our enemies were already here. As in, not in foreign countries. That's why I've always been against the war. I think it's more important to weed out the enemies that are already in the USA. Still, I'm glad that Osama Bin Laden won't be allowed to spread his hate-filled rhetoric anymore. And I'm glad it happened on President Obama's watch. But I think we'd all be remiss to think this thing is over. In fact, I personally think we need to be in prayer. Only God can save us from whatever these grief-stricken terrorists think up now.

One of the hazards of putting your thoughts on paper is that they become open to analysis. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what has happened to me. One of my dear followers, Nina "Ninfamous," read my post about The Baby , and decided to weigh in on that situation. Click here to check it out. On one hand, I have to say that I never expected anyone to read about my life and weigh in on it. Maybe I'm just naive, but I never thought anyone outside of my intimate circle of friends would care. So, I'm kind of outdone that Ms. Nina would invest her precious time. However, I do understand the necessity of it. As she so aptly points out, anyone with good sense can see the handwriting on the wall for The Baby and me. And sometimes, it takes an outside person to point out the obvious. And let's be real...if she weighs in on my stuff...and I weigh in on hers, we both benefit from the exchange. And hopefully, someone will recognize themselves in all of this and not ...

I heard from The Baby today. The Baby is a young man I met at work. Nice enough guy...he's 29...new to the radio game...and tall and lanky like I like 'em. He showed up at our studios because he was caught in the throes of his format's contract negotiations. When I saw him, I was kinda speechless. Not because he was cute -- he was -- but because I NEVER see other chocolate faces at my job. The conversation we had was one part interesting, one part amusing, but completely charming. Even though my interest in him was purely professional, we exchanged numbers. See, in addition to working as a radio engineer, he also has the inside track to this weekly show I like. For me, that was it. We exchanged a few texts, but nothing major. Then, one day he said that we should hang out. Since I'm always down for an adventure, I accepted. We ended up spending the day at the beach. We had a good time, but there were some definite red flags for me... For one, he didn't tip ...

Have you ever been so mad you wanted to spit? That's how I feel right now. Less than 24 hours after I declared that this election season would be worse than 2008, President Barack Obama produced his long-form birth certificate to shut down Donald Trump and the rest of the Birthers. He said he did to, "satisfy the carnival barkers," and so that our country could focus on issues that really matter. Honestly, it insults me that this issue has gone on so long. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't Obama have had to produce his birth certificate to run for any office in the first place? Last time I checked, elected officials have to be thoroughly vetted before they can declare a candidacy. And that includes verifying their places of birth. Trump has called Barack, "the worst president in history." My question -- what country was he in from 2000 to 2008? Correct me if I'm wrong, but was Barack Obama in the White House when the stock market tanked...

I'm afraid. That's not normally something I admit to in mixed company. After all, the Bible tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind . And I completely subscribe to that. But now that election season is on the horizon, I'd be remiss to not to say... I'm afraid. The Republican Mafia is looking for blood at all costs. They've opposed President Obama on EVERY hand -- for any reason. If Barack said the sky was blue, it had to be green to the RM. They've opposed every helpful policy that this administration has supported. Instead of looking for bipartisan solutions, they've acted like spoiled children these last four years. However, I draw the line on personal attacks. Yes, hate everything President Obama does from 9-5 in the White House. Dislike his policies all you want. But when you stoop to talking about his family, where he was born, and millions of other things that have absolutely no bearing on h...

Contrary to popular belief, being single isn't the worst thing in the world. It isn't the best thing, either, but I'm okay with it. However, there are times when I wonder how long I'll have to endure this state. Case in point: I was at choir rehearsal last night. (Just in case you didn't know, I started singing with a new church. It actually inspired a whole new blog .) And most of the people at this church are married with children. While I would've liked to find a place with more singles, I'm happy at this church and I really feel like it's a good fit for me in every other way. Anyway, I was having a conversation with the choir director's wife, and subject of my marital status -- or lack thereof -- came up. Both she and the choir director think I should be with someone great, but they both agree that it'll be hard for me to find someone. Why? Because I'm intimidating . Naturally, I wanted to know what makes MackDiva intimidating. I m...

The best piece of advice my mother gave me wasn't intentional. I was a freshman in college, and I had some friends home for the weekend. Unbeknown to me, she was quite depressed about her divorce from my stepfather. That meant that the homecooked meals most freshman got when they got home were nonexistent at my house. My friends and I were starving, so we went to my mom and said, "We're hungry." Without missing a beat, my mom looked up and said, "You need to change your mind." At the time, my friends and I giggled because it seemed absurd for her to act like hunger could be negotiated without food. But as I've gotten older, I realize that while you can't change some circumstances, you CAN change the way you think about them. Just thought I'd share. Stay tuned as I tie up some loose ends in some stories and share new ones...

There's always that one. The one person you'd change your entire life for if they asked you to. Whether it's the first man you ever loved, the first guy who saw you naked, or the first man to bring you flowers, if he said, "Marry me, and travel with me around the world," you'd quit your job and hop on the first thing smoking. Alas, I haven't met him yet. Actually...that's not true. I have met him. But he doesn't want me. So rather than admit that the one guy I'd leave it all for wouldn't be caught dead with me, I say we don't know each other. I read an article this week that I found to be very informative. It was talking about how men will use any woman who allows herself to be used. And while I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I don't want that kind of life, I recognized myself in all those women. I've been there. And there are times (like today) when it would be nice to have someone around...even if they're ...

It's Sunday night, and I just put one of my girlfriends on the plane. She's a great person, but this weekend wore on me like none other. In her defense, she's in mourning. Her husband just died in September, and she's learning how to live again. They had been together since high school and now he's gone. That being said...there was NO excuse for the way she acted this weekend. Please understand...I'm not perfect. Never have been. And now that I'm 40, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. But NO ONE gets to make me feel inferior in MY house. Absolutely not! My house wasn't exactly in tip-top shape. I work two jobs, sing in the church choir, and try to work out with my trainer twice a week. So my house wasn't really ready for her. Then I realized that my mind wasn't ready for her, either. Even when we were in school, she wasn't the friend I could hang out with every day. More than that, she came with the very mentality th...

I am hurting. My heart is sore, and I don't know if I'm coming or going. And I don't like it. I'm not used to feeling this way, but I can't help myself. I want to scream, but I know it won't do any good. Not now. Try as I might to be positive, the reality of my life is setting in. I'm 40, single, childless, and kinda chunky, with absolutely no prospective Mr. Wonderfuls on the horizon. Not now. I'm thinking about resorting to Internet dating because I really don't want to be alone. Of course, I know better because I'm not in a good enough place to bring anyone into the chaos I call my life. And of course, there's always the prospect of no one wanting me. And even though I don't want to believe it, it's looking more and more like the truth. I cannot deal with rejection. Not now. So I'll do what I always do. Write these feelings down, divorce them from myself, and pretend like they don't exist. Moving on...