You see this picture?
It sums up how I'm feeling this morning.
As of yesterday, New Boo and I have been broken up one month. It has been a month of hell for my heart and mind. I have cried more than I ever thought possible and I've had to face some very hard truths about myself and the man I gave my heart to.
He contacted me the day before with some, "Hi, Stranger." I can't lie -- as much as I've ALWAYS hated for anyone to call me a stranger, I was kinda glad to hear from him. As I told you before, that particular day was hard on me. I asked how he was doing, and he told me he was kinda sad because he missed making dinner for us. Next thing you know, I'm agreeing to him coming over to make dinner.
Should I have put up more resistance? Probably. Did I? Nope.
The next day, after a night of thinking about it, I said to him, "How about we do it tomorrow instead? I realize I have some other plans." He sent me a sad emoticon and said, "That's not what I wanted you to say." What he WANTED me to say was that he could come to the house and wait until I got home. The ONLY reason that's possible is because he still has the key.
Should I have put up more resistance? Probably. Did I? Nope.
So I agreed to let him come to my house and wait for me. He agreed to get some groceries and have dinner waiting for me when I got home. So that's what we did. I came home, we ate, and we talked.
The first thing he told me was that he wasn't drinking anymore. I kinda gave him that, "Really?" look, and just listened. He said that he wasn't depressed anymore and that he'd gotten some clarity now that he was sober. You know I asked what kind of clarity he got. He told me that he realized that we had more in common than he thought. And that he missed me.
I can't lie -- it was all stuff I wanted to hear. But now that we've gone through the foolishness, I don't necessarily believe him. He understood that because he knows he messed things up. He says he wants to prove himself to me and regain my trust. I asked him why. He said that he still loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Next thing you know, we're heading to my room.
Should I have put up more resistance? Probably. Did I? Nope.
So he spent the night...and what a night it was...
He left for work this morning, and I'm just a little more twisted than before.
On one hand, I miss him and I miss our relationship. I miss the man that used to cook for me and make love to me and take walks with me as we talked about all kinds of stuff. He said he missed that stuff, too.
On the other hand, I can't dismiss what happened. He wasn't kind to me, and I don't know that he won't lose his mind again. He told me that he was "having issues" when he said that he didn't want to be committed to me. I asked him if he'd worked them out. He said all except the job situation.
I'm glad he realizes that he has to prove himself to me again. I just don't know if I believe him right now. And I'm kinda mad at myself for allowing him into my bed so easily. I'm also scared -- of him, his propensities, and his insanity. He can't guarantee that he won't flip out again, and I do NOT want to spend another day in the agony I've been in the last month.
So I guess we'll just have to see what happens...Pray for me.
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I'm praying you get what you need, that there's something true in it all, that there's love for who you are.